WTFery Posts

This is my first relay since my Dad passed away from cancer and it is an emotional experience. Trevor and I walked the care giver lap with Rosie Cox, a friend of my Dad’s from his days of teaching at Richards Middle School.
For all of my loved ones and friends who have battled cancer I love and remember you.

It has been 13-14 years since I started getting treatment for my depression though I believe the symptoms probably started back when I was a teenager and progressively have just gotten worse or time. The insomnia has been around just as long and I am treated for that as well and take medication every night in order to sleep.
One of the things I find very frustrating about myself is the amount of stress I seem to be in when I sleep. Most mornings including this one, I wake up with my teeth, jaw and neck hurting from grinding my teeth. I have tried mouth guards but that only changed where my jaw and teeth hurt. I wake up feeling as stressed out as I feel in the midst of a major problem, sometimes at the point of anxiety attack and I do not even know why. I do not remember my dreams and can be relaxed when I go to bed. Trying to relax before I go to work, otherwise it will be a disaster all day.

Just trying to get my head above water again. Telling myself I can do this, be positive, learn to be disciplined, not get dragged down by myself or the world around me. I think perhaps my mental and emotional state is just a microcosm of the world around me, chaos and uncertainty abound.
I am starting to perhaps wonder if I am not in some way an empath to the turmoil of this world.

“Generally speaking, to be perceptive about people s most important for a samurai. You should pay very close attention to people of renown, both rivals and allies. In particular, you should always figure out who is good and who is bad.
Nevertheless, you shouldn’t raise other’s wrongs without understanding yourself, so you should make it a priority to do your own work well first. You shouldn’t just take notice of other people’s right and wrong, praising and censuring them. After all, sometimes people who ordinarily seem good maybe outrageous when something happens, and there have been those who usually seem inept but perform splendidly in emergencies. So it’s hard to generalize.” Yamamoto Ujihide

Wisdom is in many different places and sometimes reading a truth spoken a different way is very enlightening.

In and Op-Ed for the Wall Street Journal titled "The Scalia Seat: Let the People Speak"
"Republicans view things very differently. We believe the Constitution has a fixed meaning and a judge’s task is limited—to discover what that meaning is, not to make it up." Ted Cruz

But wait the Constitution has a fixed meaning by which Supreme Court Justices are chosen.
From Article III, Section 2
"He shall have Power, by and with the Advice and Consent of the Senate, to make Treaties, provided two thirds of the Senators present concur; and he shall nominate, and by and with the Advice and Consent of the Senate, shall appoint Ambassadors, other public Ministers and Consuls, Judges of the supreme Court, and all other Officers of the United States, whose Appointments are not herein otherwise provided for, and which shall be established by Law: but the Congress may by Law vest the Appointment of such inferior Officers, as they think proper, in the President alone, in the Courts of Law, or in the Heads of Departments."

There is nothing in the Constitution that says appointments to the Supreme Court shall wait until the next election for the people to decide. Either you are a strict Constitutionalist or not. All candidates, especially strict Consitutionalist’s should instead be insisting that the President and Senate be getting this done, because to do otherwise would be to make a defacto change to Article III without amending the Constitution. It would also change the President’s term to three years from the four dictated by the Constitution. If that isn’t making things up I do not know what that phrase means.

Now if I was President, I would give them a month to decide to do their jobs and on April 1 I would determine this is an extraordinary occasion and convene the Senate for 2 AM sessions until they decide to get themselves to work. Of course if I was president I probably be doing this to both houses on a regular basis until they took the people’s business seriously.

“In general, the way to govern a nation is to nurture the life of the people, restore the nature of the people, and prevent the people from doing wrong. These are the three essentials.

Equalize land allotments, minimize taxes, have the people plant mulberry and flax. When the farmers till, the women spin silk, the people don’t waste their time, and the state doesn’t waste land, then there is enough clothing and food so that there’s no anxiety about supporting parents, wives, and children. The people are constant, and robbery and banditry don’t occur in the territory. The state is tranquil, the people are at peace. Because of this merchants gather and make markets, artisans come and make utensils, the needs of the nation are fully met, so the people are prosperous and happy. This is called nurturing the life of the people.

If you nurture them with out educating them, the people won’t know about courtesy and duty. Without courtesy, social order will be disturbed, without duty, the ruler is disregarded.

The way to educate the people is to set up schools in districts and villages, establish colleges in prefectures and provinces, provide officials in charge of instruction, equip them with books, set aside a budget for expenses, admit the children of the gentry and populace, and teach them. in the schools have them study writing and arithmetic and read classics and literature. In the colleges have them analyze ideograms and discuss their meanings. Enable everyone to know how to investigate things to acquire knowledge, cultivate oneself, and govern others. Thus does a nation develop customs of respect for parents, fraternity, loyalty, faith, courtesy, duty, and integrity. This is called restoring the nature of the people.

Even with education and sustenance, there is law; if the people’s wrongs are not prevented, then dishonesty will develop and the nation will become disorderly. Therefore the provinces, prefectures, districts, and villages should have offices to which intelligent and conscientious people are promoted, appointing them according to their character to determine legal prohibitions and make their stipulations known, to assist in government and education, so people won’t get into trouble. if any violate the law, then indictments are composed, complete with the reasons, and they are exposed to the public in the marketplace, to keep the masses of people in line. This is called preventing the people from doing wrong.

When clothing and food are sufficient, the people are happy and don’t think of rebelling. When the state provides education, the people know their duties and don’t act against their leaders. When wrongdoing is prevented, crooks and schemers don’t arise. If your government is like this, you have no rivals on earth.” Naganuma Muneyoshi (1635-1690)

It is important to understand that the idea in this last paragraph about action against leaders, is referring to rebellion against “just leaders”, Muneyoshi in other writings gives one of the reasons for a just war, the deposition of unjust leaders. All things being equal a just leader would not be deposed by educated citizenry.

I understand that recent primary results are coming as a shock to some of you within the Republican party. In fact some of you are clamoring that Donald Trump is not a real conservative, flip flopper, etc. Some of you have even finally found some voice to say to people within your own party that this is not who you are and invoke Presidents Lincoln and Reagan.Unfortunately this "Silent Majority" that you have regaled the rest of us with for so long have finally found their voice and that voice is one of hate, racism and xenophobia. You see the issue is not whether Donald Trump is a real conservative or not, he is just the person who has given voice to how the majority of your party really feels and they are excited.
There are those who have been trying to point this out for years and you shout them down as race baiters. You feign ignorance of the Southern Strategy begun by Barry Goldwater that fed on white conservative racism and perfected in Ronald Reagan with his speeches against the mythical "welfare queens" and attacking affirmative action. Conservative courts have eroded the voting rights act while conservative legislatures have done all that they can to roll back the clock to Jim Crow era and re-institute poll taxes in the form of id requirements. Trotting out anecdotal tales of voter fraud, that when investigated are undetectable. These same conservative legislatures have attempted to gerrymander minority votes into silence, gutted education time and time again with the majority of cuts impacting people of color, the list goes on. You see all of the policies you have been pushing to appease your "silent majority" are inherently racist at their core when you take a look at who they negatively impact.

So now here we stand. Your "silent majority" are filling auditoriums, physically attacking opposing voices, even when they stand in silent protest. The KKK is planning rallies and sounding out their support. This is just the beginning and they are gaining steam and strength with each passing day and primary victory. The cat is out of the bag and I think the reality that many need to grapple with in the Republican party is are you a part of the racism and xenophobia or are you prepared to pull up stakes and start anew.
Now I know some people will just point to the racist history of the Democratic party prior to the Civil Rights movement and try to deny the current situation. And look I get it, it is difficult to admit when you have a problem, especially when it is akin to having untreated syphilis. But the bottom line is that your problem is hurting people, your fellow Americans have been suffering for too long from this hate that has always been there. The question is what are you finally going to do to end this ignorance and hate.

We are waiting, the ball is firmly in your court and what you do will shape the civic discourse for decades to come.

I see in this world around me a growing storm.
Stop and listen. We talk about individual liberty, boot straps, me, mine and believe everything happens in our own little vacuum; forgetting those who taught us, gave us our jobs, bought what we were selling, or encouraged us along the way.
People have helped us, now What are we doing to help others? There are people who are hunger, are we feeding them? There are people who are hurting, are we doing anything to help them heal? There are the poor, the homeless, the widows and orphans. There are those among us whose wages can not sustain them, what will we do?
If you oppose giving hand outs, are you giving hand ups and helping people get jobs or educations?

Psalm 73
1 Surely God is good to Israel,
to those who are pure in heart.
2 But as for me, my feet had almost slipped;
I had nearly lost my foothold.
3 For I envied the arrogant
when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
4 They have no struggles;
their bodies are healthy and strong.
5 They are free from common human burdens;
they are not plagued by human ills.
6 Therefore pride is their necklace;
they clothe themselves with violence.
7 From their callous hearts comes iniquity;
their evil imaginations have no limits.
8 They scoff, and speak with malice;
with arrogance they threaten oppression.
9 Their mouths lay claim to heaven,
and their tongues take possession of the earth.
10 Therefore their people turn to them
and drink up waters in abundance.
11 They say, “How would God know?
Does the Most High know anything?”
12 This is what the wicked are like—
always free of care, they go on amassing wealth.
13 Surely in vain I have kept my heart pure
and have washed my hands in innocence.
14 All day long I have been afflicted,
and every morning brings new punishments.
15 If I had spoken out like that,
I would have betrayed your children.
16 When I tried to understand all this,
it troubled me deeply
17 till I entered the sanctuary of God;
then I understood their final destiny.
18 Surely you place them on slippery ground;
you cast them down to ruin.
19 How suddenly are they destroyed,
completely swept away by terrors!
20 They are like a dream when one awakes;
when you arise, Lord,
you will despise them as fantasies.
21 When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
22 I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.
23 Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
27 Those who are far from you will perish;
you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
28 But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds.

This is about the damnedest thing ever about my self confidence and how much I struggle with different issues in life. Without going into specific details last night I performed a few tasks for work that had to replicate across a cloud network. Now there were 2 basic parts of this task the first involving removing items and the second involved adding them back new. Because of possible replication issues part 2 was still chugging along this morning causing a few minor headaches. Needless to say this raised my stress level just a bit as I worked to troubleshoot elusive problems that disappeared almost as quickly as I could identify them. So about 1 1/2 to 2 hours to feel certain things were working and all was well. Then it happens, that first part that involved removal, well it was still replicating as well and suddenly all of the items are gone completely. So I felt certain that any new changes now should take effect over older replication and I started from scratch and began the process of re-adding everything back confident that it was the right choice to make given the time frames I was looking at for completion. I was also able to confidently send an email to my bosses and own the mistakes I had made in what occurred and to apologize.So why is it that I can own my mistakes with confidence, knowing that there is then a possibility of repercussions. That when it comes to decisions I make with my work on networks and communications platforms I am confident in my knowledge and understanding; I struggle with communication at times but I know how to do my job effectively. But let me tell you when it comes to my writing, my art work, speaking in public, having conversations with people, trying to build relationships and self confidence leaves me; only insecurities, doubts and fears remain. I find myself desiring to ask for others to give me feedback whether positive or negative because I feel in some ways invisible, always looking for the acknowledgement of my existence, questioning any positive feedback and at once not even wanting any acknowledgement. A hard thing to even put my name on the coloring book I created because I live in this state of Plurality within my mind.
So how does one go about accepting themselves and building their self confidence? What is it that I can do to be more comfortable with myself? Asking the questions is easy, the answering is always the conundrum.

Today he would have turned 66 years old and I miss him.

I remember being around 5 or 6 years old and helping him change the oil on his 55 Chevy Nomad in the parking lot of the housing in Büren Germany. I remember watching him lace his combat boots, hands moving like lightning. Watching him grade papers.

I remember watching him endure pain throughout his life, quietly. As much as I desire to emulate the man that he was, I struggle. In fact there are times I just feel lost, my tongue is too loose in my head and my problems flow too freely on my blog. I wonder if it is because I really just want to talk to him about them.