For quite sometime now I have not had the will to write. When I self published my book I found myself at a loss for words and confused as to how to sell and promote my book. I just do not know how to self promote myself and ended up letting my depression drag me further away from writing. Right now i want to write, to give voice to the thoughts in my head, yet i have been silent so long I find myself stumbling on the keyboard. The words are just a jumble in my head.

Vehicle with Back the Blue/Punisher decals speeds past as many cars as possible during a lane merge, forces their way in cutting off another driver nearly causing a wreck that would have involved several vehicles. Never mind the fucked up correlation between the Punisher, a vigilante, and law enforcement; I understand they support allowing law enforcement to be judge, jury, and executioner as long as it only involves non whites and poor whites. The real WTFery is they sport their Back the Blue decals while breaking the law and endangering others in their self centered, self important need to get where they are going. Almost makes me want to go all Frank Castle on them and teach them a lesson.

On the afternoon of September 28, 2019 Susan Yvette England succumbed to a short battle with aggressive cancer at Columbus Hospice. Susan spent her last week excited with the prospect of reuniting with Jim and great granddaughter Brooklyn. Her last days were spent enjoying the company of her children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.

Susan was born January 3, 1950 in Oklahoma City, OK the youngest of two children of Herbert and Louise Spellings. Married for 43 years Susan met her husband Jim England when he was on leave from Vietnam in June of 1970 and they were married in Honolulu Hawaii October 13, 1970 during Jim’s R&R leave from Vietnam. Together they raised their two sons James Warren England Jr and Charles Dean England.

Susan spent many years waiting tables, tending bar, and managing restaurants to help support her family; teaching her sons the importance of hard work and sacrifice. She graduated in 1993 Magna cum Laude from Columbus State University and then worked for Aflac, before leaving to pursue her life’s passion as an artist specializing in pottery and jewelry making.

Susan was preceded in death by her father Herbert Spellings, her mother Louise Spellings, her brother Herbert Spellings, Jr., and her great granddaughter Brooklyn Oliphant. She is survived by her sons James and Charles, daughters-in-law Tamra and Phoebe, grandchildren Vanessa, Courtney, Trevor and Brandon, grand sons-in-law Matthew Faust and Shane Oliphant, great grandchildren Luke and Sofia Oliphant.

Memorial Service will be held at noon on Saturday October 5, 2019 at Columbus Hospice in the community room. In lieu of flowers the family is requesting that donations be made in honor of Susan to Columbus Hospice.

Some days are just harder than others. They come and all you can do is live through them hour by hour and minute by minute. In those hard moments you might realize how trivial most days are and come to grasp what is truly important.

That is the word that keeps coming to my mind anytime I read the news, surreal. We continue to live in a world of violence and hate, nothing new there. Politicians lie and cheat, some on a more epic scale than others, nothing new there. The general population is apathetic about any of the major issues going on in the world, nothing new there. So if all of this is no different from how it has always been why does the word surreal keep coming to my mind?
I think as I mature I expect the rest of the world to grow up as well. In my mind adults should at some point stop hating other people because they look, act, think differently, or are from somewhere else. Adults should tell the truth and stop making shit up all of the time. People should start giving a damn about the world around them.
I think now though I understand the Torah better, I understand God’s anger and frustration that his chosen people continually turned away from God. I think that is why in Christianity it is about individual relationships with the triune God, sins of the individual could be forgiven, the handful of each generation could be saved who truly repented and took up their crosses with joy in their hearts. Jews, Christians, Muslims; I think God is playing a long game to save as many of us from ourselves as God can and we are not cooperating in any way, we are too smitten with golden calves to maintain the hard road.

Now that my Bipolar disorder is medicinally under control it is a great time to work on my skill sets to deal with everyday life. Medicine can only do so much, in my case I am emotionally on an even keel, however the storms of my mind are still raging. The medicine cannot change my ways of thinking, I still have negative thoughts running through my head, still have the same self esteem issues, still lack organization and structure in my life to effectively balance work and home life. So I have a laundry list of things I want to do and yet my mind works against me in accomplishing any tasks.

Currently I am working my way through 2 books in an attempt to get my mind working right. The first book is Why Am I Still Depressed by Jim Phelps, MD and the second is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy by Lawrence Wallace. The first book is giving me a deeper understanding of the brain disorder from which I suffer, while the second book I am using as a self help guide to start getting my ways of thinking turned around. Now I know ideally CBT should be done through a good therapist however living in a country without universal healthcare one must muddle along the best one can while balancing health with copay’s and deductibles. I still have a stack of medical bills to pay due to a high deductible insurance plan, so, I have to just make the tough decisions on where my money goes.

I know going into this that there is a high risk of failure doing it on my own, but the alternative is to do nothing and attempt to maintain the untenable status quo. Therefore I have nothing to lose in being my own therapist for awhile. If you would like to learn more about bipolar disorder NIMH has a good overview here.

“We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world” Buddha

A universal truth that we can all apply to our lives no matter our religious beliefs. If as a Christian we truly spend our time daily in prayer, meditation, and reading of scripture our thoughts will dwell on God and we will change our perspective. My personal recommendation is to pray the Lord’s Prayer, meditate on the 23rd Psalm, and reading of Matthew Chapter 5. Most assuredly a month spent in this manner daily will have profound changes on how your thoughts are ordered, this combined with honest self reflection can have a positive impact on how you think.

It has been over a year since I did this last, starting again today as I need a reset in how I am thinking.

Being even keeled emotionally because your medicine is working is a double edged sword. On the one hand I am not depressed, things upset me and I have a small flare of anger but nothing out of control, I may smile for a minute when i feel happy. Unfortunately I can only describe how I feel right now as being comfortably numb.In the sense that I am calm almost all day, evenings I am a bit more emotional but not too much. The upside is that despite all of the stress I am under currently, I am not on a roller coaster which I have been in the past. The downside is that I all most seem to lack emotion, unphased one way or the other which can be frustrating. I think there is no happy medium but the alternative of being unmedicated and “out of control” is just too dangerous.

The deck at my Mom’s house had fallen into disrepair so I replaced it this past weekend. One section is 24’x4′ the other section is 8’x7′. Took Saturday and Sunday to complete.

Empty dreams, spilling from
A tattered mind, alone.
Callous and cold the world
Etching notches in my soul.

Empty dreams, spilling from
A battered soul, alone.
Toneless and droll my voice
Braying harshly in my mind.
 
Empty dreams spilling from
A ragged body, alone.
Broken and bruised, abused
Hard work and middle age.

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