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WTFery Posts

Ice cream

Plain old Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla, Chocolate chip cookie dough, Peppermint bark. Or Dairy Queen Blizzards, Sonic Blasts. Maybe just a milkshake or a Frosty from Wendy’s. I have a weakness for Ice cream and when I stress eat, ice cream is my go to. The problem is I am stress eating way too much, and my anxiety medicine can only help so much. I realized this week that the cravings are similar to the cravings I have for cigarettes despite having quit 15 years ago. So I have determined that now I have to quit eating ice cream, especially when a half gallon is 9 dollars and I can get through that in 2 days or even 1 when I am really stressed.

I know this seems like a pretty insignificant addiction however, it makes me nervous to have the same type of cravings. The lack of self-control I exhibit is unnerving. So I will have to go cold turkey to break the habit. If it isn’t one thing it’s another, God never promised life would be without trials and tribulations.

Lost in the wilderness

That is how I feel today, lost and wandering along under bleak skies, threatening to unleash a torrent of rain to flood the earth beneath my feet. When the sky does open up, I struggle through the mud carrying my burdens, I feel I must keep them dry and not let them down into the mud. Deep in my heart, I know that I must lay my burdens down before they drag me down into the depths, I just do not know how or where to start. Instead of crying out to the Lord, I move on in silence not wishing to burden the Lord with the baggage I carry.

Lay bare my soul

It feels like a lifetime ago that I was able to pour my heart and soul into my writing. I have been worried about how others would perceive the writings I place on my blog, part of that was rooted in long-standing desires to be accepted as I am but flooded with memories of rejection early in life. I was the person in school who just didn’t ever fit into any of the cliques, I walked on my path which was not necessarily the best path. I learned to build up walls around my emotions and thoughts. I got so good at building walls and bearing my pain in silence that it became second nature. Even today I just slip new pains, emotions, and frustrations into the walls and slap the spackling over with a smooth motion.

The problem with haphazardly built walls is you have to keep repairing them so they don’t fall. I look around at the walls I have built and know they cannot continue to stand, I fear the day the walls completely crumble especially since I have been battling anxiety daily for months. I know the different life circumstances that are driving my anxieties and the fear that all the walls will collapse and I will have an emotional breakdown. It is not a good position to be in as anxieties pile up on top of each other and anxiety leads to more anxiety.

How long can a person bottle up grief, pain, heartache, disappointment? How does one unburden their soul completely? Some people make it seem so easy to dump all of their problems and move on but that isn’t me, I feel like I must bear the burdens of my soul into eternity. I have to hold it together because I have a family to support, and obligations to meet and so I must keep a handle on my anxieties and prop up my walls, I can collapse and rest when I die even though I know that is an unhealthy way to go through life.

Doing a reset

Sometimes in life, we just have to hit the reset button. I think this is where the idea of New Year’s resolutions comes into play, there is an aspect of our lives that we are not happy with and we set out to ring in the new year with a change to our lives. So maybe this is my New Year’s resolution, to spend time every day writing and posting to my blog. Even if it is a small post I desperately need to get back into my writing and brush all of the rust off.

Happy New Year’s from the WTFery blog.

Random

“Out of clutter, find simplicity. From discord, find harmony. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.”

— Albert Einstein

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays

We here at wtfery.org pray that everyone’s holiday is filled with joy and peace. There is enough pain and suffering in this world that we pray for everyone, we celebrate with you, not against you. Maybe it will take more generations of growth before we all understand that freedom and equality are the birthrights of every baby born into this world. And so we will continue to pray, every day, unceasingly.

Day 39

Today was a very hard day, Phoebe is in a lot of pain in her lower back where she has scoliosis and has been experiencing muscle spasms. Part of the issue is she is not getting the pain medicine in the hospital that she takes at home. The other part of the issue is the therapy is not helping her back pain but is making her hurt more, but she pushed through and did all of her therapy today. Currently she is resting and recuperating. She is scheduled for therapy 7 days a week with shorter intervals as opposed to 5 days a week with longer interval.

Day 38

Today has been very rough, Phoebe is going through withdrawals from the fentanyl they had her on in ICU because we needed another problem to deal with right now. But that is the way of life, long worthwhile journeys are never easy. So we are praying that some of the pain will subside so she can start making more progress in her different therapy sessions.

That being said please keep Phoebe in your thoughts and prayers as she fights her way forward.

Day 36

Well today is the day we leave ICU behind us and head to Rehabilitation Hospital. Phoebe is ready to move and getting anxious to get out of ICU. Currently we do not have an eta for departure but they did go ahead and remove her Midline so other than blood pressure cuff and O2 sensor she is almost free. It has been a miraculous ride from septic shock to stuck on a ventilator in a medically induced coma, multiple attempts to get off ventilator, multiple intubations and extubations, then to Tracheotomy, to free and breathing on her own. The staff at St Francis MSICU have been incredible, under the direction of Dr Metry the care has been unbelievable and he has been teaching residents at the same time. I pray that the residents he has been teaching pick up even half of his bedside manner, knowledge, and skill; their future patients will be in good hands.

Thank you to our family and friends for all that they have done for us, the prayers, gifts and out pouring of love has made the journey possible. As we move on to the next stage we humbly ask that you continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers, rehabilitation can at times be overwhelming and grueling; Phoebe needs to keep her spirits up and her motivation strong for the journey.

Day 35

Phoebe is doing very well today. A little frustrated about still being in ICU but in good spirits nonetheless, talking is coming along very well though throat is still sore. All of her vital signs are good. So we hold and wait for move to another room or a direct transfer to Rehab hospital, may be today or next week as we are waiting on availability of a bed.

Once again we thank everyone for all the prayers, gifts, and uplifting messages.