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The Last 4th of July

Given the last few weeks of rulings from the Supreme court, essentially giving carte blanche immunity to the president and the potential that trump could become president again, I am left wondering if this will be our last 4th of July as a Democracy and Republic. It is difficult to think what the world will look like if he regains the presidency and the already cowed Republican Senators and Representatives will bow to whatever he wishes them to do. That the court has become so corrupt and bought and paid for by the wealthiest republicans lavishing gifts on the justices that should clearly be against the law, perhaps the founding fathers felt there would not be any risk that the court could be stuffed with such perverse partisans.

So now we can only sit back and watch this nation vote for democracy or totalitarianism, to see our nation stand up for the Constitution or kowtow to an egotistical despot who has already stated he would be a dictator day one and arrest democratic leaders who stood up for what this nation stands for and anyone else he feels is a threat. There are still many months for these storms to brew and the reality is you cannot change the opinions of his followers as they are such tender snowflakes fearful of the reality that whites could become a minority, that their brand of racist Christian Nationalism will flounder and die. The only way to stop this madness is to beat him at the voting booth once again, decisively even as republicans try to purge people from the voter rolls as quickly as possible to ensure they can steal this election. Bottom line is people need to vote, check their status and ensure they were not purged and show up and vote, not just for the president but for Senate and House candidates as well. It is time to put our feet down that this is our country and we will defend it at the ballot box.

Treating back pain

Yesterday I had to have bilateral epidurals on my lumbar spine and si section, so I am spending the next 2 days recovering as I watch my yard grow into a wild jungle. So Monday I have to squeeze in mowing the lawn after work, plus this week I need to start dealing with a lot of cleanup of flower beds and pine trees popping up everywhere. Too many projects to take on this year around the house, they never mention that in the “American Dream” of owning a home.

I also have to deal with not working out with weights for a few weeks which is exasperating as I had just gotten into the routine and I worry that it will be difficult to start back. I am going to try to do just bodyweight exercises for the next two weeks just to get plenty of time for the epidural to work. I have to cultivate my patience and determination to keep moving forward.

My latest drawing.

Art practice

Recently I have been working on my art, basic techniques meant to practice and expirament at the same time. Maybe I am looking for my niche, hard to say. I am just happy to be finding the time to try and make positive changes in my personal life.

Here are a few of my recent drawings, they are rough and I can see the work I need to be doing in order to make improvements. The most important part is that I am enjoying making them, they are not easy and can be frustrating but I am not giving up.


I have grown tired of the whining of the Christian right, they piss and moan about being oppressed and get offended by so many things like the idea of respecting others who do not believe the way they do. They live in this fantasy world in which the United States is their holy land, but, having read the Bible several times there is nothing, not a single mention of a Christian Holy land except for Jesus referring to the kingdom of heaven on earth. Now I am not the brightest crayon in the bunch but on Earth would seem to kind of refer to the entire planet not just one country.

The other bone I have to pick is the belief that Christians are so oppressed in today’s society when people don’t wish them a Merry Christmas, that the Constitution doesn’t mention God and that the Declaration of Independence uses the term Creator, not God. But if you listen to conservative white Christians they have these beliefs that are contrary to facts, hell they supported slavery and Jim Crow and are trying to undo the Republic because they hate anyone who is not like them. That is another part of the Bible I have never found where God calls on people to hate their neighbors it is very clear that God intends for Christians to love everyone neighbors, enemies, the poor, the immigrants, all of those who are at the margins of society. the prisoners.

So they whine about all of these horrible things that are being done to them, such things as taking away their voting rights, oh wait they are the ones doing that to dilute the non-white voters. Maybe they are so oppressed because not everyone thinks like them and supports their agenda of turning the United States into a theocracy, oh but wait they elected the most ungodly man as president, a man who could be closer defined as the antichrist, a man who molests women and who disparages his neighbors at every turn. A draft-dodging coward and a wanna-be dictator, this is who they raise up and worship, not God and certainly not Jesus the Christ.

So bottom line quit your bitching, take up your cross, and follow Jesus, turn the other cheek, and meet everyone with love in your heart and on your lips, even when they offend you. Otherwise, you can keep destroying the church that is on earth with your hate, bigotry, and ignorance and one day you will reach the end of this life and reap what you have sown. So I am off to repent for being angry and having a flash of hatred in my heart for you, the lost souls who live in fear and hatred of everyone else.

The State of Modern Man

Please note that the next paragraph was written by an AI system because I just wanted to give it a try and see what all of the fuss is about. This is the only time I will use AI to generate a post because this is my brain dump, where I share my thoughts.

Jake sat at his desk, staring at the blank computer screen in front of him. He had been trying to write his novel for years now, but something always held him back. He couldn’t put his finger on it, but he knew it had something to do with the state of the modern man. In a society that glorified success and material possessions, Jake felt lost. He longed for a simpler time, where happiness wasn’t measured by the number of likes on a social media post. But as he looked around, he saw his peers chasing after the next big thing, never satisfied with what they had. Jake realized that the state of the modern man was one of constant dissatisfaction, always wanting more, never truly content. And so, he closed his laptop and stepped outside into the fresh air. As he took a deep breath, he made a promise to himself to live a simpler, more fulfilling life, free from the pressures of the modern world.

Another goal met

Tonight I deadlifted 200 lbs 5 sets of 5 with 3 minutes rest between each set, felt good not just to lift the weight but to be setting and making personal goals. Saturday will be another goal reached, the first week of exercising for 3 days, for the last month there have been so many different things that got in the way but I am determined to start meeting these goals.

So, here are my goals for right now. First, is 12 weeks of exercising 3 days a week. Second, squatting 200lbs for reps, at 150 today so adding 5lbs per workout with no setbacks 4 weeks from now I should be there. I have to decide if I am going to continue adding 10 lbs per workout on the deadlift, if so I will be hitting 300 lbs in 4 weeks, and I may drop down to 5 lbs if it gets to be a struggle. Third, continuing to bench press, because I have nerve damage in my right arm from the spine outward so currently at 105 lbs today and my goal is just to keep pressing forward to get to 150 lbs for now.

On top of these goals, I am giving up ice cream for lent which started yesterday. Several years ago I stopped putting sugar in my coffee for lent and went to straight black strong coffee and have never regretted the choice still sugar-free to this day. Well there are my physical goals for the next 40 days and 12 weeks respectively. I may also start adding long walks to my weekly routine just to get some of my muscles loosened and stretched.

A Moment or more

The small moment in the eye of the storm,
where the silence swells and dominates,
That brief moment of clarity
surrounded by the swirling chaos,
when the madness has been temporarily
staved off, if ever so briefly.
It is in that place I struggle to stay.
A minute, an hour, a day.
If only time would stand still.
That moment of clarity stretched
out toward infinity, the storm
forever held at bay, just out of reach.
Could I stay there though?
Would there be dreams there,
inspiration, and desires?
The simple things that make life,
how would they survive,
stuck in an eternity of silence?

Psalm 46:10

Be still, and know that I am God.

“Be still” I try to be still but my mind and body betray me. My mind is a constant train wreck, there are always multiple streams of thought competing for limited resources. This is great during the work day when I have multiple issues to deal with but at the beginning of the day or the end, when I need calm it does not come there is always the clamor. Then my body betrays me as well, aches and pains to start with, then the ever-present “essential tremor”, (an interesting bit of trivia is that there are two types of tremors that are not associated with specific medical conditions such as Parkinson’s’ disease, the essential and familial, the familial is an inherited tremor and the essential is just a crap shoot of birth.) Needless to say, being still is not something I have much success in.

“And know that I am God” is a very simple statement and yet such a deep well of thought. I stumble over this, and the thoughts that fill my mind feel like they block out the voice of God. God could be trying to talk to me right now and the constant clamor between my ears defy my ability to hear. If I cannot hear God, how then do I discern what God wants me to be doing with my life? I am not ashamed to admit a certain amount of envy of those who hear and understand the voice of God. I wonder could that be part of the problem, I covet what others have and I feel like an outsider when they discuss their relationship with God.

So all in all it is a conundrum of an existential crisis that I battle with every day. At the end of the day, it is probably just me overthinking every aspect of my life, the enigma that I juggle each day, well one of the enigmas that I juggle.

Taking Time

I have started strength training, I figured now that I am fifty it would be a good time to take some of my health a bit more seriously. The hard parts are staying motivated, getting up early to work out before my day starts, and the pain. I know it did not happen overnight, putting on weight and getting out of shape; just as I know that I cannot get back in shape overnight. Oh but the pain, my legs are in bad enough shape without all of the muscle aches I am now feeling and I am sure in the morning they will feel so much better after I add more weight to my lifts.

The sad part is how weak I have gotten over the years of working in front of a computer and the posture issues I am dealing with. I am contemplating expanding my workout to corrective exercises and stretching to fix some of the imbalances that I have going on. The trick is though I do not want to set myself back by over-training or causing any new injuries, it is hard enough to work through my existing issues such as nerve damage, bad knees, and top-to-bottom back issues with arthritis and scoliocis. It is all good though I just have to take it one day at a time, 5 lbs more each time, unless I hit a plateau, and then a few workouts pushing the same weight until it gets easier and I can move on. The upside is the weights I am lifting are normal for a beginner and a novice so I am happy with that.

Another day in the life

Am I manic or coming down, it is so hard to tell. I have so many things running around in my head at night as my medicines wear off that I am not sure whether I am coming or going. I am paralyzed by indecision or lack of discipline. Or is it just a lack of planning, I want to learn multiple things but I am overwhelmed by the many different directions and starting points from which to choose.

This is the most difficult part of self-study whether you are off-kilter or completely together, deciding on a course of study. I have decided that I am going to start my art training by finishing an online course that I purchased several years ago, it is a 3-month course of study I just have to commit myself to working on it daily for at least an hour. My guitar lessons will center around warmup exercises and then work on playing Blues guitar until I master it then I will reevaluate the next step. Then of course there is the personal development training I am pursuing to sharpen my skills for my day job.

Now the hard part, working all of this into my schedule and ensuring my responsibilities are also planned for as cooking, dishes, laundry, etc do not do themselves. No one ever said life would be easy. So each day I will strive to make progress on my goals.