WTFery Posts

Blank pages, how much potential they hold.
Upon them new worlds can bloom, stories unfold,
art can come into existence, new theorems can be born,
philosophies, musings, questions, and answers.

Blank pages, how much fear they hold.
Great yawning caverns, holding the author or artist at bay,
taunting the possessor, dare you touch me with marks or words,
knowing that once they take that first step the spell is broken.

Blank pages, how mesmerizing to stare at before you.
Each sheet is naked, daring to be clothed in words, symbols, and shapes.
What of the person looking upon them, what will they put onto those pages?
Joy, love, peace, perhaps. Or something darker.

It is in the darkness of my mind,
that you illuminate my dreams.
My thoughts lay everywhere,
piles of scribbled scraps deteriorating.
Maybe in and amongst the piles
there is a thought worth sharing.
Mostly they are the ravings,
of an unsettled mind crying out.

It is in the darkness of my mind,
that you illuminate my desires.
Too many failed pursuits
wheels spinning in the mud.
Cold and lonely, hiding in the dark
desires left along the road.
Mostly they are the desires of a young man
tossed aside to make room for reality.

It is in the darkness of my mind,
that you illuminate my love.
Most say love comes from the heart,
but it is the mind that builds connections.
Without connections and common ground,
love is just an infatuation built on sand.
Mostly love is an intimate familiarity,
it is two souls intertwined illuminating each other.

Work-life balance is my personal goal for the year, I write this while sitting next to a book that will help me with work as well as a book to help my spiritual growth. I ponder whether that is balance, reading a non-work related book for every book I read to improve my skillset for work. I guess these would be considered “New Year’s resolutions” as I am working on multiple goals to help balance the scales between work and home.

Here are the goals I have set for myself
1. Work on my spirituality through prayer, meditation, reading, and self-reflection
2. To write more every week, I may have to break out a book that walks through writing every day and helps with creative thinking.
3. To draw every day to get to the point where I can create art worth selling. Who doesn’t like another stream of income?
4. To learn either a new song or scale on the guitar each week.
5. Lifting weights consistently and building up my strength. I am sticking with the big 3 for now Squat, Bench press, and Dead lift. I know progress is not a linear increase but will include many plateaus and resets and I am ok with that.
6. Read more, I have quite a few books on my bookshelves as well as in Kindle that I want to get through.

So, that is my plan to attempt to balance the scales and also to improve my life in a positive way. I expect that some of my writings will find their way here as this is my outlet for me to express my thoughts.

When a politician peddles lies that an election was stolen from him, incites insurrection, and still has a chance of being president again. When Senators and Representatives are too afraid to stand up to their party without fear of death threats against them and their families. When this has now become the new normal civil discourse has been replaced by wholesale hatred and accusations of being traitors for disagreeing with the opposition. The party of “don’t tread on me” has no qualms of treading on the rights of others who are different from them.

With all of these anti-American, anti-Constitution, fear-mongers trying to cement their hold on power by purging voter roles, gerrymandering districts to dilute the power of non-whites, and changing laws so that electors can usurp the will of the majority of voters and play kingmaker on their own terms. We have truly lost our way in this Democratic Republic, each day takes us closer to the possibility that we will fall into oblivion. It is heartbreaking that the next election could spark a new civil war as the pompous ass of a former president is already crying wolf that the election will be “stolen” again and his base is in lockstep with him. Just sad.

Plain old Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla, Chocolate chip cookie dough, Peppermint bark. Or Dairy Queen Blizzards, Sonic Blasts. Maybe just a milkshake or a Frosty from Wendy’s. I have a weakness for Ice cream and when I stress eat, ice cream is my go to. The problem is I am stress eating way too much, and my anxiety medicine can only help so much. I realized this week that the cravings are similar to the cravings I have for cigarettes despite having quit 15 years ago. So I have determined that now I have to quit eating ice cream, especially when a half gallon is 9 dollars and I can get through that in 2 days or even 1 when I am really stressed.

I know this seems like a pretty insignificant addiction however, it makes me nervous to have the same type of cravings. The lack of self-control I exhibit is unnerving. So I will have to go cold turkey to break the habit. If it isn’t one thing it’s another, God never promised life would be without trials and tribulations.

That is how I feel today, lost and wandering along under bleak skies, threatening to unleash a torrent of rain to flood the earth beneath my feet. When the sky does open up, I struggle through the mud carrying my burdens, I feel I must keep them dry and not let them down into the mud. Deep in my heart, I know that I must lay my burdens down before they drag me down into the depths, I just do not know how or where to start. Instead of crying out to the Lord, I move on in silence not wishing to burden the Lord with the baggage I carry.

It feels like a lifetime ago that I was able to pour my heart and soul into my writing. I have been worried about how others would perceive the writings I place on my blog, part of that was rooted in long-standing desires to be accepted as I am but flooded with memories of rejection early in life. I was the person in school who just didn’t ever fit into any of the cliques, I walked on my path which was not necessarily the best path. I learned to build up walls around my emotions and thoughts. I got so good at building walls and bearing my pain in silence that it became second nature. Even today I just slip new pains, emotions, and frustrations into the walls and slap the spackling over with a smooth motion.

The problem with haphazardly built walls is you have to keep repairing them so they don’t fall. I look around at the walls I have built and know they cannot continue to stand, I fear the day the walls completely crumble especially since I have been battling anxiety daily for months. I know the different life circumstances that are driving my anxieties and the fear that all the walls will collapse and I will have an emotional breakdown. It is not a good position to be in as anxieties pile up on top of each other and anxiety leads to more anxiety.

How long can a person bottle up grief, pain, heartache, disappointment? How does one unburden their soul completely? Some people make it seem so easy to dump all of their problems and move on but that isn’t me, I feel like I must bear the burdens of my soul into eternity. I have to hold it together because I have a family to support, and obligations to meet and so I must keep a handle on my anxieties and prop up my walls, I can collapse and rest when I die even though I know that is an unhealthy way to go through life.

Sometimes in life, we just have to hit the reset button. I think this is where the idea of New Year’s resolutions comes into play, there is an aspect of our lives that we are not happy with and we set out to ring in the new year with a change to our lives. So maybe this is my New Year’s resolution, to spend time every day writing and posting to my blog. Even if it is a small post I desperately need to get back into my writing and brush all of the rust off.

Happy New Year’s from the WTFery blog.

“Out of clutter, find simplicity. From discord, find harmony. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.”

— Albert Einstein

We here at wtfery.org pray that everyone’s holiday is filled with joy and peace. There is enough pain and suffering in this world that we pray for everyone, we celebrate with you, not against you. Maybe it will take more generations of growth before we all understand that freedom and equality are the birthrights of every baby born into this world. And so we will continue to pray, every day, unceasingly.