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My post yesterday generated an out pouring of support, support that I really needed right now and that I am grateful to have received. I am 41 years old and I have been struggling with these major depression episodes since I was a teenager, they come on suddenly and may last weeks or months. I have been blessed to have a wonderful wife who understands and supports me through the ups and downs and two wonderful children. My love for my family and my own internal sense of duty and honor has been the source of my perseverance through the years, giving me the strength to push through my episodes of depression as well as my physical health issues in order to support them and providing for their needs. Many years ago I swallowed my pride and sought treatment and it has made a world of difference not just in the quality of my life, but in the life of my family. My wife Phoebe knows when I miss my medicine and will ask me when she notices my mood swings going askew.Now the medicine is not 100%, I still go through these cycles but I am better able to handle them when they do occur. The fact that I was able to articulate in yesterdays post how I am feeling right now, to give voice to the raging conflict inside me is a great leap. Writing this post as well is a long drawn out process, I am still going through this tug of war inside, trying not to let my mind react to these physical manifestations of emotions but I am pushing forward. Additionally there is the added stress of pulling back the curtain on my life, I am a very private person but I feel that it is important to talk about my struggles. Just as the words of encouragement I received since my blog post have helped me, I know that there are others who suffer in silence who could use encouragement as well. That is one of the reasons it is so important that we get rid of the stigmas that surround mental health problems.
There are many different types of depression; situational, seasonal, cyclic, physical damage to the brain, etc. What they all have in common though, is that those who suffer are fathers, mother, sons, daughters, friends, loved ones. When those who are suffering do so in silence; fearing what others will think, they withdraw or lash out which causes a ripple effect. If we as a society accept that mental illness is just like any other health condition we could be better equipped to get ourselves or a loved one to the doctor when we notice that something is wrong. With something like cyclic depression there are times when that trip to the doctor should be akin to taking someone with a heart attack to the emergency room other times just to a doctors office.
That is why I am taking this stand, why I am putting myself out for the world to see. I am not ashamed of the depression, anxiety or mood swings; it is just a part of who I am. I know that I am not alone, there are many who can read what I have written and understand what I am going through and I want them to know they are not alone either.

Even in the midst of deepening depression, I keep telling myself that this too will pass. It is difficult though, I feel like a stranger in my own body right now.Physically I feel a deep sense of loss, emptiness, loneliness… that’s the only way I know of to describe the way I am feeling. This ache in my chest reminds me of that feeling after a relationship ends or the loss of a loved one. I feel on the verge of tears at times.Emotionally I am all over the place; happy, sad, angry, frustrated, indifferent. Nothing for very long, though the indifference seems to be winning out.
Mentally I am trying to keep myself on task, get through the day at work, not to let my mind be pulled into the darkness.
It is exhausting, feeling this way. Everyday when I leave work, I get in my car and it just hits me, I just want to lay down and not move. Right now I feel like my medicine is failing me; I am miserable and I wonder how much more can I endure. Even thinking about all of this, I feel drawn into that pain my body feels.

Sometimes I think this is more than just major depression, but I lack the ability to communicate that effectively to my doctor. It doesn’t help that this may pass in a few days and then I move on again.

The long days come, days in which all motivation escapes out of reach. No desire, no passion. Just an emptiness, a soul sucking barren wasteland. These are the days when I just want to escape, get lost, run away from my life.
I know that this will pass, these days always do. All I have to do is keep moving forward.
The odd part of all this is with my medication keeping me on an even keel I am able to look at my emotional state with a certain rational detachment. Sometimes it feels like part of myself is just an observer, watching from the outside. Part of me is crashing and the other part is standing at the window yelling stop but the window is sound proof.

Sometimes I ask myself the question, Am I right?
Now when we trade in measurable data or exact information then being right is important. It is also important when dealing with things like torque specifications or a medical diagnosis; things where right and wrong can be an issue. Most often though when we are insistent that we are Right; it is opinions, interpretations and points of view.
But when dealing with things like opinions, interpretation and points of view there often is not a clear cut right or wrong. Opinions, interpretations and points of view should in fact be shared and received with an open mind, so that it is a give and take of ideas. Unfortunately it is too easy to have a death grip on our own ideas, to relinquish that grip requires us to in essence make ourselves vulnerable. It also requires us to be open to the idea of change within our own thinking; deep down I think we are all afraid of change that we do not initiate.
Lately I have been trying to ask myself, Am I right and do I have to be right? If I am being honest then most of the time the answer should be, Maybe so and probably not.

Why do some people have such disdain for multiculturalism? What is it about the thought of interacting with people who are different that brings such animosity?
I started writing this and realized that there are specific people that I do not want to know or associate with on any level. I do not want to associate with white supremacists, religious fanatics or any hate groups for that matter. So how in the world are we supposed to love our neighbors, as we love ourselves when we quite honestly have neighbors who we feel are vile and evil. Why is this so damned complicated? Is that what true faith is, learning how to really love those who we find unlovable and that hate us or other people? Being able to actually forgive them and turn the other cheek when they attack, verbally or physically. Or is it just a matter of obedience?
I just do not understand.

I wrote the other day about my fear of the dentist. Now that is a fear that in my mind is sort of understandable, as a child one can have a bad experience that just sticks with you and grows in your mind until it becomes something to be feared. I also have this real fear of opening myself up to other people, I am not quite sure where it stems from but I have had the fear since at least first grade. This blog is a way for me to face part of that fear by laying my soul bare to anyone who happens across it or ends up here from Facebook, Twitter or Tumblr. Some days I question my sanity in doing this, I really do, because I have spent a lifetime keeping the world around me at a good safe distance.
As difficult as it is for me to write some of the blog posts I have written, it is even more difficult for me to enter into direct communication with other people. I get all tied up in knots; I don’t ever know what to say, have a hard time carrying on a conversation or even worse catch myself not being able to shut up and making sarcastic comments. Let’s face it I am not the dos Equis guy, more like the nada Equis guy.

In my Facebook feed this morning I saw this message and it made me pause to think.

“9/11 Never Forget, Never Forgive”

That at the core is who we truly are, unforgetting and unforgiving. It is how we survive day to day. We hold onto our pain, tallying up even the smallest of offenses even when the offender asks for forgiveness. How impossible then it is for us to forgive those who would use terror and the murder of the innocent for whatever they convinced themselves they would gain.

Maybe one day our hearts will soften and we will find it possible to forgive those who committed these acts. To find healing we so desperately need.

I was blessed last night to hear two powerful women preach God’s word, the Pastors Sheila White and Tabatha Walton. Pastor Tabatha preached on laying down our burdens, on how we tie ourselves down where we are in life. Pastor Sheila preached on how we are not ourselves when we are hungry; that we are wandering in the desert, grumbling in the wilderness wanting to be fed, set free by God and needing him to feed our souls. Powerful indeed.
I was thinking about this during my commute this morning, about the Exodus story and laying down our burdens. A life reborn in Christ is much like the Exodus. When we first accept Christ we are in a way like the Children of Israel set free by Pharoah. There we are bookin it towards the promise land, the life we have led persuing us relentlessly towards the Red Sea. Now some people never make it to the sea, instead they are swallowed back up by their lives. But the lucky ones make it to the parted waters and cross through into the wilderness. Then we wander through the wilderness headed towards the promise land, a journey to unburden ourselves, embrace the spirit of the law given in the ten commandments and feed our hunger with the bread of life. A new us can be born in the wilderness; one filled with the spirit, not tied to the burdens of this world, completely given over to God and entering into the promise land which is the Kingdom of Heaven, ready to make disciples of others and carry out God’s work on earth. Some of us though will wander through the wilderness all of our lives. I think maybe I am still running towards the Red Sea.

It is easy sometimes to forget how crippling fear really can become. As I sat in a dentist chair yesterday awaiting a tooth extraction for a broken tooth, I realized my hands were trembling with fear. No matter how hard I tried to relax, get control of my fear; I couldn’t control my hands. I have had this fear of dentists since I was a kid and unfortunately it is one that just wont go away. I even remember vividly the particular visit that led to this fear, a sensation of suffocating as the dentist used a drill, the sound and smell of burning tooth.Now as I sit and think about this fear of mine and how it affected me during the dentist visit, I start to wonder about other peoples fear and how it affects them. How others around us suffer from their fears or how their lives can be ruled by those fears.
Sometimes it is good to be reminded of our own weaknesses so that we do not forget that we all have them. To help us grow in compassion and mercy. To bring us to humbleness.

Luke 14:33

Any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple.
Matthew 6:24

No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be loyal to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and Money.

First let me be clear I do not believe we live in a Christian nation. Yes Christianity has helped to shape parts of this nation but if you go to the gospels it is pretty clear that those who follow Christ are to be part of the Kingdom of Heaven on earth, which is the church of believers. This kingdom is to be entered into of ones own free will, no one can be forced into the Kingdom of Heaven and God has of his own intensions created this church outside of any political government to be about God’s work. This work is specifically laid out in the following.

The Great Commission

16 Now the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain to which Jesus had directed them. 17 And when they saw him they worshiped him, but some doubted. 18 And Jesus came and said to them, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19 Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in[a] the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”

I personally think people read nations in this and other verses and forget that the relationship is a personal one. There is also this mythos being perpetuated that the United States is this great Christian nation ordained by God. However if one goes to the four books of the Gospels one will find that this is completely unbiblical. Jesus did not come as a general or political leader but preaching the kingdom of heaven, preparing the way to eternal salvation through the sacrifice of his own flesh and blood on the cross. To claim his name for any nation is to denigrate the purpose of his sacrifice and usurp the Kingdom of Heaven for earthly gains. 

Second I believe that there are those who would become false martyrs, like the clerk in Kentucky. This is about her, not God, no matter what she or her supporters believe. I say this confidently as Jesus never said go get government jobs and enforce the Mosaic laws on those who do not believe in them. What he did say was to give up ourselves and follow him, make disciples and follow what he taught. 

Ultimately though we are cowards, we live our lives on our terms and find ways to wrap ourselves in God without actually giving ourselves over completely.