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Month: February 2015

Breathing

Published by Charles on February 28, 2015

I smoked for twenty years starting when I was thirteen years old. Around seven or eight years ago normal breathing slowly became more difficult; almost like trying to breath through a straw. So now if I get a cold, have allergy problems or any other upper respiratory problems it then becomes more like breathing through a coffee stirrer full of sand. For the last week I have been fighting something and it has moved into my chest as of last night.  The things we do to ourselves 

A hard day

Published by on February 28, 2015

Today my wife Phoebe had Lithotripsy performed on her left kidney. All went well however the waiting was long and stressful. Having once sat through a surgery that went bad nearly costing Phoebe her life, I struggle each time to trust that all will be ok. This is especially hard as I struggle with depression, stress and anxiety on a daily basis; additional stressors outside of the norm can pose a…

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Stress and anxiety

Published by Charles on February 26, 2015

The stress increases my anxiety and my anxiety can increase my stress. Sometimes my anxiety is the reason for my stress and my stress is the reason for my anxiety. There are also the times when there is no cause, I will be sitting at work doing my job and all of a sudden I will realize I have tightened every muscle in my body and I am starting to hurt because I have my jaw clinched so tight my teeth start hurting. I can’t even tell how long it has been happening. Then there are the times when my jaw hurts from not grinding my teeth keeping them from just barely touching, no less painful. Other times I realize it is occurring when my eyes start to ache because they get dry from a lack of blinking. Suddenly I feel it, the tightness that starts in my throat and works its way down to my chest; suffocating, smothering,  almost as if a belt was being tightened around my rib cage. Minutes, hours pass fighting to relax and catch my breath.

Sometimes everyday, never more then 2 weeks between. Not always as intense. But always just around the corner.

The truth is dead

Published by Charles on February 26, 2015

Long live the opinion. I would like the FCC to pass new rules that require news sources to watermark any non factual items with OPINION NOT FACT or more helpful would just be BULLSHIT. At least if you come here this blog is my opinion, my own personal take on the world. The problem is that the 24 hour news cycle leaves so much air time that has to be filled, instead of actually hiring reporters they chase ratings by hiring blowhards to confuse the truth with bullshit. The sad part is that it works, large groups of people hang on the words of these shills, letting them sell a false reality that makes them happy.

It is a sad world we live in indeed. Would we survive without the lies they tell us? Would we want to?

Curse you Siri

Published by Charles on February 24, 2015

This is just weird, tried to dictate a post on my iPhone on the way to work this morning. I was going to edit this but it is so wtf that I just decided it was fitting to leave it as is because I find it just funny.

Why is it that I have desires things I want to do and part of why my mental state is I am in that same mind is racing constantly thinking about him and so when I want to have some clarity Sue something at most like I have days where I can actually think about it and focus on it and accomplish something but as I do that my mind start that right constantly think of sleep is sleepless night dreaming not screaming but before my mind it is moving throughremind maybe three months of of pursuing this this passion in a non-there’s there are times where I can sit there andand rebuild an entire car in my mind in one night and I will row before I am just mentally exhaustedand I do this with all the things I am passionate about working on car with drawing even think I’m not really passionate about working on the yard of I can sit there and go through everything that needs to be done in the yard and annoy well I’m about to get yardI even think right now that I have a sense of clarity it’s not that I mind that much clearer than at other times but right now my mind is focused on fixing my moneyno I do not have my mind on my money and my money on my mind trying to fix my mind maybe the money but damn thing

Is there a point

Published by Charles on February 23, 2015

A blog with random, disjointed posts with no direction. Sometimes I have moments of clarity when I realize that is how I exist, random and disjointed. Sans direction. Moving through life from one point to another in a tireless cycle. In these moments of clarity I have a deep desire to gain control and maintain a positive direction. Lately I have been considering Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to learn some skills that could help me better manage my mind.

The problem I am running into is finding the right professional services that can work within my schedule and that I would be comfortable with working on my problems.