WTFery Posts

Today is cognitive behavioral therapy, woohoo! Since I had did not want to drive back and forth across town after dropping my son Trevor off at school I sat in the parking garage and since I saw this. 

I did this.

Hands shaking and all.

Finished it up before I left.

Some days will just crush your soul.

Food, clothing, shelter; those are the things that are a necessity.

 

Very frustrating when your mind is always in a negative state. I cannot even be “up” anymore without my mind just swirling in a dark cloud the majority of my waking hours. Just cannot seem to make any sense of the whole mess in my mind or why I obsessively think the way I do.

This week I start Cognitive Behavioral Therapy which is geared towards changing thinking and behavioral patterns. I want to go into this with an open mind but my own mind betrays me. Trying to convince myself that I just need to take it all one day at a time.

 

Feeling like I am flailing around, jumpy, not quite together. First day on an extended release adderall and my hands are shaking pretty bad. Hard to sit still or get my mind going right at the moment. Tried to sit down and draw at lunch, but there is a disconnect between my mind and my hands. Maybe later will be better.

Life is just heavy and unwieldy.

Painful.

Hard to believe it has been almost 3 full weeks out of work. I only took two weeks off when I had ankle surgery, hobbled into work on crutches to avoid taking anymore time than I had. I also worked remotely most of the two weeks, not this time though. I have to admit I am a bit anxious, some people I work with know why I have been out, others I am sure will ask questions and I will step beyond this wall. That is terrifying for me, to vocalize this illness out loud.

“Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more” W Shakespeare 

All I want to do is get my damn car back on the road. Yes, it is my own damn fault, I should have turned it off immediately when it started running hot, middle of nowhere or not. I get it.

But seriously, why do I need a special damn socket to pull the spark plugs?  A standard spark plug socket just was not good enough for you? Every other company seems to be ok with it but no you have to be special.

E-Torx socket set as well? And the 2 VANOS unit bolts are not reusable! Wow, these bolts are so damn special, someone is selling them for $10 a piece and wants $13 each for shipping and handling, are you kidding me! Oh and if I just order those 2 bolts from a dealer for $3.60 each, they want $44.28 in shipping and handling! Add some other bits and bobs to the cart including spark plugs and serpentine belt to see if it goes down if you spend more money; oh hell no, for $109 worth of parts they want $69 in shipping and handling! At least I have some part numbers now you f’n wankers!

So what is next, a BMW/Mini Crankshaft tool, are you kidding me, starting at over $80 at reputable places! A piece of steel, circle at the end, with some holes in it. Has one damn use and is only useful if you have some models of BMW or Mini. Look do not get me wrong I like tools and buying them but not this single use shit.

Now I get to waste a few hours trying to source this list as cheaply as possible. Oh, and trying to figure out how I am going to make a crankshaft holder. But first, back to the manual and flipping back and forth from chapter to chapter, did I mention you have to read the entire book almost just to change the timing chain? Also, take a lot of the car apart? And the estimate I have seen is it takes 10-11 hours to complete, that must be when you have all of the tools and parts on hand from the start!

A little visual entertainment. As you can see I have parts under the car and besides the car. I still have to take the intake manifold off the engine, that is the little black part circled in red in pic 3, as well as the front engine mount. Those will be the last parts I take off to minimize getting dust in the engine as well as not wanting the engine propped on a jack stand too long. I do keep the valve cover on the engine to keep dust at bay as well.

After I get the timing chain complete, I will still have to drain the oil and drop the oil pan to check for debris. I will probably get some cheese cloth or something to strain the oil as the car has not run since I did the oil change in middle-o-nowhere Mississippi when all of this started and synthetic motor oil is not cheap.

Back to the struggle.

When the light is breaking over the horizon and you can start making out the debris strewn about from the storm. It is a tenuous time, the light is illuminating all that needs to be cleaned up and put back together, and life goes on. How to balance the here and now with the cleanup and repairs. Not getting overwhelmed.

I just want to go in a million directions at once right now. Everything I have neglected keeps running through my head and I am trying to keep my wits about me. Trying to remember to breathe, relax, and just keep a grip.

I need to sit down today and just make lists maybe. Start a project/ todo list notebook. Something to get focused on and see some progress. Use what I have learned the last two weeks to get things under control.

Relationships are one of the stressors in my life. I do not think I ever learned how to be a friend. When my father was transferred to Ft. Benning in March of 1980, I was 6 years old and in the first grade. Between the upending of my world and being dropped into another I withdrew socially, not that I was a social butterfly to begin with. My Mom told me that the first meeting they had with my teacher when I started school, the teacher told them I wouldn’t say anything in class.

So, between being introverted, marching to the different beats of my own little group of drummers, and in general never mastering simple things like conversation, I often feel isolated. Throw in the roller coaster of my mind which struggles to maintain simple structures and I am not the person who can cultivate and maintain relationships. Look, if you count me as your friend and you need me, all you have to do is call me and I will move heaven and earth if I can to help you. I just may never call you or reach out to you because my little mind is worried about work, the family, what needs to be done around the yard or the house. And sometimes I am just in a cycle of depression, with drawn from everything but the essentials.

I have been try to write down and work through the different things that are causing so much of my anxiety. Some of my anxieties I just cannot talk about, they are personal and I hold them close to my heart and will need to find some way of working through them on my own using the tools I have learned the last two weeks. A couple of my stressors I can talk about and will lay them out here today.
I have anxiety about injustice in the world. When I see or read about it, I want to do something tangible to stop it and prevent it from happening anymore. I have anxiety about inequality in the world. I want everyone to have access to quality healthcare, quality education, and justice under the law. I believe in equal pay, equal access, and equal mutual respect. I have enough common sense to understand that there are people who have physical or mental handicaps that MAY need accommodations and that is reasonable.

So, I know I cannot fix what is wrong with the world. In fact in my current state I cannot fix what is wrong in my own personal life. I do not know how to make a difference in the world around me and balance that with my obligations and responsibilities. I think this leads to a lot of anger that I am feeling currently both at myself and the world. I am trying to carry so much on my own shoulders that it is crushing me beneath the weight. 

The problem with the weight I am trying to carry is that it is not mine to carry. I know this, but I do not know how to put it down. My inability to put things down and let them go, combined with my scatterbrained mind that is a moving target I get so damned frustrated and turned upside down.