Welcome to week 2 of partial inpatient hospitalization. I am anxious and talkative, I don’t want to sit still or be quit. I have been out of bed since a quarter to 6 this morning and didn’t sleep well again. Kind of insane that the antidepressant I take for sleep was increased from 150mg to 200mg and now I am getting up earlier, just doesn’t make much sense to me.
Right now my mind is racing which is not that unusual in itself but feeling depressed, manic, and anxious grinding my teeth on the verge of anger almost constantly.
Today is the anniversary of the death of my father-in-law Tom Chew. I feel guilty that I did not do enough for my wife during the time he was hospitalized. One of the many times in my life I wish I could just roll the clock back and make better choices. That seems to be my modus operandi in life, constantly looking backwards and over analyzing each major choice I have made. I am also constantly anticipating what is going to happen next. When I must make a decision, trying to go back over everything to make the right choices sometimes to the point of paralysis.