There are some steps in life that once you take, there is no going back. I can say I am not ashamed to admit I am going in for 1-2 weeks of partial inpatient mental health hospitalization. What I have to come to terms with though is the fact that I am actually terrified. Tearing down the walls of my personal privacy is very difficult, I am at heart a very private person. Before I embarked on writing this blog I would refrain from discussing anything about myself unless it was absolutely necessary. Some of the reason I blog is to get out of my shell. I am not a conversationalist, it is hard enough to get words from my mind to the page, verbal expression is sometimes just a disaster for me so I write. I also write some of my blog posts because I have the underlying hope that by exposing my mental health issues, I can help other people. I think that Mark Twain the philosopher was correct in What is Man? when he wrote “That no man has ever sacrificed himself in the common meaning of that phrase–which is, self-sacrifice for another ALONE. Men make daily sacrifices for others, but it is for their own sake FIRST. The act must content their own spirit FIRST. The other beneficiaries come second.” Therefore despite the terror, I am feeling, because I believe my writing may help another, then my soul is content to lay bare my private life.
And yet still I feel terror. Terror of the unknown. Terror at the thought of getting down into the weeds of my life with other people, strangers, peeling back the layers of who I am. I have the same knot in my stomach as I do with heights. Imagine if you will, going to your regular doctor, going into a room with other patients, stripping naked and having everyone watch as the doctor slowly examines you. It is uncomfortable enough to go for a dermatology exam and get checked head-to-toe for any signs of skin cancer. This will be more intimate, last for 5-10 days, and I know I will only get out of this what I put into it. But damn when your treatment seems like it may be worse than your illness. Depression, anxiety, and introversion what a mix.
I will get through this, I have to for my family, they are my motivation.
If you have never read Mark Twain’s What is Man? I encourage you to spend a little time http://www.informationphilosopher.com/solutions/philosophers/twain
You are going into battle for a war that no one sees. Everyone sees you as a rock, strong and stable. You are strong and stable it’s just that right now you are the rock at the bottom of a pond where you feel like you are drowning. Charles, you have a huge group of people who are here for you. We love you, I love you more!