It feels like a lifetime ago that I was able to pour my heart and soul into my writing. I have been worried about how others would perceive the writings I place on my blog, part of that was rooted in long-standing desires to be accepted as I am but flooded with memories of rejection early in life. I was the person in school who just didn’t ever fit into any of the cliques, I walked on my path which was not necessarily the best path. I learned to build up walls around my emotions and thoughts. I got so good at building walls and bearing my pain in silence that it became second nature. Even today I just slip new pains, emotions, and frustrations into the walls and slap the spackling over with a smooth motion.
The problem with haphazardly built walls is you have to keep repairing them so they don’t fall. I look around at the walls I have built and know they cannot continue to stand, I fear the day the walls completely crumble especially since I have been battling anxiety daily for months. I know the different life circumstances that are driving my anxieties and the fear that all the walls will collapse and I will have an emotional breakdown. It is not a good position to be in as anxieties pile up on top of each other and anxiety leads to more anxiety.
How long can a person bottle up grief, pain, heartache, disappointment? How does one unburden their soul completely? Some people make it seem so easy to dump all of their problems and move on but that isn’t me, I feel like I must bear the burdens of my soul into eternity. I have to hold it together because I have a family to support, and obligations to meet and so I must keep a handle on my anxieties and prop up my walls, I can collapse and rest when I die even though I know that is an unhealthy way to go through life.