Even in the midst of deepening depression, I keep telling myself that this too will pass. It is difficult though, I feel like a stranger in my own body right now.Physically I feel a deep sense of loss, emptiness, loneliness… that’s the only way I know of to describe the way I am feeling. This ache in my chest reminds me of that feeling after a relationship ends or the loss of a loved one. I feel on the verge of tears at times.Emotionally I am all over the place; happy, sad, angry, frustrated, indifferent. Nothing for very long, though the indifference seems to be winning out.
Mentally I am trying to keep myself on task, get through the day at work, not to let my mind be pulled into the darkness.
It is exhausting, feeling this way. Everyday when I leave work, I get in my car and it just hits me, I just want to lay down and not move. Right now I feel like my medicine is failing me; I am miserable and I wonder how much more can I endure. Even thinking about all of this, I feel drawn into that pain my body feels.
Sometimes I think this is more than just major depression, but I lack the ability to communicate that effectively to my doctor. It doesn’t help that this may pass in a few days and then I move on again.
No matter your struggles you are an incredible man. There are those who look up to you and see that even when you are in the deepest depression you find the courage and strength to face these demons. You inspire me to battle my own inner demons and never surrender to them. Also you have shown me resting is not weakness. No matter what I love you Daddy and I we as a family will see you through this. We love you
Wish I could take it all away for you. Love you.