Communication is probably my greatest weak point in life. So much so that it seems to always be my biggest hit every year on my evaluations at work. I have less communicative ability than a pet rock and unfortunately with some relationships I have a need for validation that sits in direct juxtaposition to my social ineptness which has always been a recipe for disaster. I have this reoccurring nightmare daydream that something important is going on and I cannot speak, my mouth will not open or opens only slightly, and no sound comes out. I feel like Neo in the Matrix when Agent Smith is interrogating him and his mouth sticks together.
This inability to communicate is hindering my new found desire to communicate and build friendships that has come with my new medicine. I take that back it is not a new found desire but instead a sense of stability within myself that is allowing me to try and overcome decades long bout of silence or meaningless conversations to bridge a gap that I have always seen as lacking on my part. And it is not just a matter of trying to communicate but a desire to repair how I communicate, to put an end to my pessimistic nature and biting sarcasm; sarcasm that only gets worse when I am having a bad day emotionally.
It is easy to think about changing something about ourselves, but actually changing is something else entirely. Sometimes lately I think it might be best to just fade back into the background, that in the silence may be where I truly belong. It is a very frustrating conundrum.