Category: Uncategorized

Frustrated and angry with you God. But not just with you but myself as well. You see God, I feel like a kid at school who has gone out to the playground and you have told me how I should act. You have said to me that if I love you, I will follow your commands. But out on the playground there are all kind of troubles and I feel very much alone.

Deep in my heart I want to follow your commands, I want to have neighborly, brotherly love with all those I meet on the playground; to love them as I love myself and as I live you. I want to turn my cheek in the face of violence and surrender my life to your will. I want to pick up the cross you have laid out for me to bare and follow you where you would have me to go.

But Lord I am weak. No one wants to hear some middle age white man talk about forgiveness and God’s love at a time like this. No, what people want to hear is a Ted Cruz or a Donald Trump, they don’t want to turn the other cheek, they want to pick up their guns. They don’t want to love their neighbors much less their enemies. They want to proclaim “In God We Trust” but carry guns all of the time because lip service doesn’t stop bullets and shooting back seems better than praying. They demand every one say “God bless America” but do not want to be thankful for all the blessings that have already been bestowed and let’s not even talk about using those blessings for feeding the hungry, caring for the sick, taking care of those in prison, stuff like that.

So please God, fill my head with something else; I like the Gospels but they really don’t seem to be what people really want. Also this stress I feel about how your words are twisted or just ignored is playing on my mind and I have enough of my own problems. So how about something else for awhile, like beaches and bikinis please.

As I sit here at the Georgia Veterans Service office to get some paperwork I have no excuse not to write a blog post. 

I was reading an email this morning that discussed a very common theme in many self help, motivational programs; visualization of your success. What occurs to me is that people like me are the bread and butter of this industry. Coming out of a long cycle of deep depression there is this desire to “get it together” and so people like myself will start grasping at straws to keep moving forward and not backsliding.

Speaking for myself I have determined what I really need is a permanent life coach that can work with me to help me change my mind so that I can learn how to visualize my success. I flounder on my own trying to to do make this change in my life. I want to find some way to fix my brain, to learn how to visualize my success and set goals for my future. I am hopeful today that the answer is just on the horizon.

Today in the United States of America we celebrate Thanksgiving; a holiday whose origins are much like the history of our nation, a paradoxical juxtaposition between the ideology and the reality. Even today when there are those in this great nation who continue to rally around hate against immigrants and refugees; when the legacy of racism continues to permeate so much of our daily lives. When there are homeless people, hungry people and those who are sick and dying.

We can look at all of these problems and make a choice. We can choose to join the crowd that believes the USA is only exceptional when we pretend these problems aren’t real and swagger around telling the world we are great. We can choose to join the crowd that only brings up our troubled past, only see the problems and bemoans what we are doing wrong. Or we can see the things our nation has done wrong in our past, the troubles that still exist today and commit ourselves to facing these problems head on and making the idealogy a reality.

So today I am thankful for freedom and equality; even though we are still not all there yet, the embers are still burning bright and hot. I am thankful for family; the one I was born into, the one I married into, the one my wife Phoebe and I have built together and the extended family we are a part of in Christ, especially those at our home church St John AME. I am thankful for Matthew and the live he and my daughter Courtney share. I am thankful for the young women of Agnes Scott College, especially Lenora, Carmen and Nana Essi who are like my own daughters.

I am thankful for those willing to take an oath to protect and defend this nation with their lives and for those who have given their lives. I am thankful for those who protect and serve. I am thankful for those willing to hold government accountable, whether it is the politicians or law enforcement, it is our government and they answer to us just as we answer to them.

There is so much that I am thankful for I could continue but I will close by saying I am thankful that I am me. No matter the personal problems I may have or the trials and tribulations that life has brought me I rejoice and am thankful for this life and those I have been blessed to love.

So Happy Thanksgiving, may this day bring you peace even if only for a moment and if you are reading this know that I love you.

I pray for those who live under terror everyday, who’s lives are an afterthought at most and insignificant to others. I pray for those who flee from terror only to find hate and mistrust.
I pray for those who are without food or shelter; in war torn states, third world countries and first world nations. I pray for those who are sick, hurt, disabled and dying.
I also pray for all of us that we can overcome our hatred, prejudices and ignorance.
I pray that people of God will one day understand and actually follow the words of God.

So this weekend I sat in on a panel discussion by a best selling author and she was giving some tips about writing a book. One of the points she brought up was that most people decide if they will continue with a book in the first paragraph or page at most. So the question becomes if you read this, does it draw you in?

As the elevator began to ascend, Gerald studied his reflection in the door. "When did I become a cliche?" he wondered, "Old, grey beard, pony tail and a bit too overweight for my own good. Heading to a job interview for a Linux administrator position." He let out a long sigh, "I just can not take another; synergistic, cheese moving, Come to Jesus, give us 110% while we sit back and decide who we are going to keep, post acquisition, cluster fuck of a meeting! I have two kids in college, a mortgage, debts, depression, anxiety and anger issues; now here I am in an elevator needing to be calm and positive but failing miserably!" The sudden stop of the elevator brought Gerald out of his thoughts, he tried to compose himself as he stepped towards the opening doors.

Do you want to know more about Gerald? Are you interested in what awaits him once he steps off of the elevator?

My mind is all over the place but there is something that weighs heavily and continues to push through the chaos that I want to share. This is one of the recurring thoughts that has lingered in my mind for almost two and a half decades, it is how I understand what it means to be a follower and disciple of Christ and it has caused me no end of frustration.
As I understand it we are to be obedient to God’s word specifically obedient to the words of his son Jesus Christ. That obedience starts with accepting Jesus as Savior and repenting of our sins but it goes beyond that; we must then follow the teaching and commands of Jesus (John 14:15-17) “If you love me, keep my commands. 16 And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever— 17 the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you." So in my mind this means you have to spend time reading and understanding the books of Mark, Matthew, Luke and John if you want to be a disciple of Christ and learn his commands. How else would you know the two greatest commandments (Matthew 22:37–40) "Jesus answered by saying, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest and most important commandment. The second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets depend on these two commandments”
This is something that has weighed on my heart and mind even when I turned away from God 24 years ago because I saw corruption in Christianity, churches full of hate towards their neighbors because they looked different or talked different. People who demanded to know where you go to church, cliques about denominations. One thing after another that could not be found in those four books from which all aspects of the christian life should flow and be measured; actions, behaviors and words that lacked love. Because of what I observed, the dark places I have been, and through the struggles within myself I know that hatred comes in many forms. Whether it is ignorance, indifference, selfishness or just out right hatred; anything that is not love then must be hate.
So that is what I am trying to learn and practice; love everyone unconditionally even myself, build a relationship with God and with those around me. Try and communicate with those I love despite how difficult it is for me to communicate. I know that I have a long way to go before I master how to love everyone unconditionally. In the meantime I found a passage that I believe teaches me what I should do as I work towards that end and will help me on my path.
Matthew 25:31-46
31 When the Son of Man comes in his glory with all of his angels, he will sit on his royal throne. 32 The people of all nations will be brought before him, and he will separate them, as shepherds separate their sheep from their goats.
33 He will place the sheep on his right and the goats on his left. 34 Then the king will say to those on his right, “My father has blessed you! Come and receive the kingdom that was prepared for you before the world was created. 35 When I was hungry, you gave me something to eat, and when I was thirsty, you gave me something to drink. When I was a stranger, you welcomed me, 36 and when I was naked, you gave me clothes to wear. When I was sick, you took care of me, and when I was in jail, you visited me.”
37 Then the ones who pleased the Lord will ask, “When did we give you something to eat or drink? 38 When did we welcome you as a stranger or give you clothes to wear 39 or visit you while you were sick or in jail?”
40 The king will answer, “Whenever you did it for any of my people, no matter how unimportant they seemed, you did it for me.”
41 Then the king will say to those on his left, “Get away from me! You are under God’s curse. Go into the everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his angels! 42 I was hungry, but you did not give me anything to eat, and I was thirsty, but you did not give me anything to drink. 43 I was a stranger, but you did not welcome me, and I was naked, but you did not give me any clothes to wear. I was sick and in jail, but you did not take care of me.”
44 Then the people will ask, “Lord, when did we fail to help you when you were hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in jail?”
45 The king will say to them, “Whenever you failed to help any of my people, no matter how unimportant they seemed, you failed to do it for me.”
46 Then Jesus said, “Those people will be punished forever. But the ones who pleased God will have eternal life.”

I know this is but a start, I still have to learn to be humble and selfless; then their is the weakness of my faith that needs to be strengthened. But hey baby steps

My moods swing all over the place, my mind is even worse; an oftentimes confusing jumble of thoughts constantly flowing. Who I am as a person can change as well based on the intricacies of my mental and emotional states. That is one of the reasons social interaction is so hard for me; having to maintain a discipline with my personality is difficult when it is a moving target.

So what does all of this have to do with faith? Well I am struggling with the fact that I never seem to know who I am on any given day; especially as I am coming out of a state of depression and my mind is starting to race with a hundred different possibilities. I am overwhelmed. I want to do this and that, also something else. hey I need to start exercising because I need to get healthy. The yard needs some work. I need to finish that project. I need to clean the garage. I need to go out and help my Mom with this or that. I have thank you cards I need to get done. And these are just the last few minutes, on a blog post I have been writing for three days.

So how do I learn to have faith in this chaos? I hear so many people talk about their faith and how it is always there, even when they stumble or when things go bad in their lives they never lose their faith. I seem to be struggling every day just to have a little faith.

From The Unfettered Mind by Takuan Sóhó, translated by William Scott Wilson

“One may explain water, but the mouth will not become wet. One may expound fully on the nature of fire, but the mouth will not become hot.
Without touching real water and real fire, one will not know these things. Even explaining a book will not make it understood. Food may be concisely defined, but that alone will not relieve one’s hunger. One is not likely to achieve understanding from the explanation of another.”

This was as true in the early 1600s as it is today and will be tomorrow. There is a necessity though to share experiences and partake of the sharing so that we can learn from each other and to grow as individuals. This is why I choose to share about my depression, to talk candidly about my mental health issues so that those who have the same problems know they are not alone. If in the telling, it helps others without mental health problems to gain some insight into what others might be experiencing and learn more about mental health then that is certainly not a bad thing.

There was a time when I closed my eyes and I could see incredible worlds exploding with colors, vibrant and full of life. I am not sure how many years ago, must have been eleven or twelve; I would close my eyes and the only image i would see was an old oak tree. It was like an old black and white image, that slowly began to dull and fade. then it was gone and there is only darkness, a black inkiness that stretches on forever with out end.There are times when I long not for the colorful worlds, but just for another glimpse of that tree off in the distance. I want to remember how it looked. I keep telling myself that if I could see it again, then whatever it is that died in my mind was coming back to life. That maybe my memories, the few that I can seem to hold onto, will become more than just words going through my mind like pages out of a book, or sounds from a radio and there will be actual images with them. Something, anything to break through the darkness behind my eyes.

It is hard to get back on my feet after fighting through the depths of depression for weeks, especially as it still lingers like a nagging in the back of my mind. The worst part is how the mind builds on the emotional state, in my case constantly rehashing the things in life that didn’t go right or that I regret. Of course the older I get the list just seems to grow. But I am getting through it one day at a time.