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I signed up for a couch to 5k program and yesterday was the start of week 3. Unfortunately as I am progressing my body is reminding me why I actually do get paid every month by the VA. My left knee and ankle are feeling like someone had a field day on them with a baseball bat. I am questioning my sanity at this point but my lungs really need the aerobic exercise and I absolutely love running. I will never be combat effective but I don’t have to be, so I will just keep trying to push myself along and hopefully get a little stronger.

Feeling Fractured…
Staring into a broken mirror,
a scattered image staring back.

Events occur and suddenly I am off course, grasping at whatever I can to try and get back on track as the world crashes by me. I just feel so weak because all I want to do is get all of the problems off of my chest. To scream out my frustrations, unburden myself without feeling judged for just letting it all go. Sometimes though all I can do is retreat within and try to weather the storm. Getting back out though is proving difficult.

It is the same thing every morning, I have to fight with myself to get out of bed. I feel like I am carrying so much weight on my shoulders that it is easier just to lay there than to get up. In the end my responsibilities and my fear of failing pull me onward.How sad that I have lost the desire to succeed, or is it just pathetic, I really never know the difference. It has been so long I do not even remember what that feeling is anymore to want to succeed. All I want to do is make it through each day.

My wife Phoebe gave me Everday Blessings by Max Lucado for my birthday and since my blog suffers from my scatter brainness, I am going to try to use this as a jumping point for some of my posts this year. She also gave me a book of writing prompts and I will try to use those as well. I will not be plagiarizing the book and only on occasion will I quote from the book, instead I will talk about what I understand about the verse. Now no offense to Mr Lucado but he only gives a single verse and I have to take entire passages to gain my understanding.

so here we go today’s verse is 1 John 4:12, now based on the 2 topics of the chapter I have only included 7-21 from the NIV

7 Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. 8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. 9 This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. 10 This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. 11 Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12 No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.
13 This is how we know that we live in him and he in us: He has given us of his Spirit. 14 And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. 15 If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God. 16 And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. 17 This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. 18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
19 We love because he first loved us. 20 Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. 21 And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister.

I just want to pull out these specific verses because they really get to the heart of the matter and why I think we all may just be screwed, especially myself.

12 No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.
18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
20 Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen.

Can God live in us if we harbor hate in our heart? I search my heart and there is a long list of people who deep down I hate; racists (real ones, not that pretend reverse racism bullshit), religious fanatics, those who preach falsely, xenophobes, rapists, murders. I could keep going but I will offer up one other that I often hate which is myself; because I have looked at myself honestly and though I continue to try to improve there are still things about myself that trigger that response.

If we do manage to get past the hate, what about fear? I look at my life and I know my fears; losing those I love, of failing or losing my job, fear of letting go and just being myself, fear of being judged or ridiculed because I see the world a little differently. These are fears that have controlled my life for so long I am not sure what I would do with out them.

So I do not know what to do. Sometimes I look around and ask myself why should I worry about trying to love others as God has commanded, when so many others do not seem to care; oh they claim Jesus, profess his name and in the same breath cast him out of their hearts with their words and deeds.

Is it love if all we can do is pray for those we hate, ask God to forgive us for how we feel about them and to work on our hearts until we no longer hate them?

Well I finally finished reading The Unfettered Mind by Takuan Sõhõ translated by William Scott Wilson, for the second time. I think that I will definitely need to either reread the book a few more times or perhaps learn Japanese and read it in the original to grasp a few of the concepts that do not seem to translate very well. Overall though I think much of the translation is understandable and well worth reading.

One part of the book that stands out to me and is a recurring message that this world needs to hear repeated often; mastery comes from 20 to 30 years of study and application. This is something we just do not want to hear, we want the quick and easy, one and done approach to everything in our lives. It is a hard pill to swallow.

Am I a pessimist or am I just an analytical person be nature. I often ponder this question when I catch myself only focusing on the problems I see in the world around me. The thing is though I like to ponder solutions and possible root causes to the problems in the world.

I just keep these thoughts to myself because let’s be honest there are plenty of ideas going around on how to solve the problems of the world. The thing is though that we have the same problems today as we have had for the entirety of human existence. The only thing that ever really changes is well, nothing. I wonder sometimes if that is our true nature, self destruction.

Then I have this idea that these problems exist so that we all have an opportunity to achieve enlightenment, a state of understanding that I believe transcends any specific religion. That point in which we no longer think of ourselves, where we no longer have selfish desires, where we totally embrace the universal ideas that exist within each of the world religions.

I am probably just as wrong as everyone else, so it is all good.

I wanted to write a post today about some things that are making me angry lately. As I was searching for a passage of scripture to try and encourage my son Trevor through his continual struggle with constant, debilitating pain when I came across this passage in answer to my anger.

James 1
19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. 21 Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.
22 Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. 23 Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror 24 and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. 25 But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.
26 Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless. 27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

So I still need to find the words to encourage Trevor so I will continue to look.

I was talking to my wife Phoebe this morning and she suggested I try to draw this chaos and the try to explain it from there. So I have done the best I could and this is what I have come up with to give a bit of semblance.

Now all of these dots are active thoughts bouncing around in my mind and does not include what I am actively trying to work on such as writing this post. The position of this chaos is also not static.

• Some days it exists as if out in front of me, consuming all of my vision. Everything I must work on is through this barrage of thoughts.
• Some days it surrounds me, these are my better days. The thoughts are bouncing around but manageable.
• Some days it is behind me. I actually hate these days because there is just a vacuum and it is hard to think about anything at all.

So what about all of these thoughts and ideas, here are all the ones that have gone past my focal point in my mind within the last 15 minutes since I started trying to compose this post.

• How is my brother doing, I wish I could figure out how to communicate with him.
• I hope my mom has enough firewood
• i hope this post is making sense
• I need to get on the road soon
• I hope there is something thawed out for dinner
• Hope Pastor Debbie has had a safe trip home.
• wonder if the nerve blocks are making a difference on Phoebe’s hands
• did Trevor find his medicine.
• I need to do a water color card for Aunt Dolly tonight and send to encourage her
• Did I remember to check the backups
• I need to get two public folders converted tonight
• I really should delegate the clean up of these extensions but I want to see if there is a bulk way to do this
• should i go to chiropractor tonight
• do i want to get an epidural done or just increase the medicine
• i have to get the yard raked and the leaves cleaned up in front of the house
• I hope Trevor was able to get some school work done and turned in
• how do I help Trevor
• why don’t people see the world the way I do
• i am hungry
• what am I going to do to learn financial discipline
• how do you write a letter of encouragement

That is just a sample, mainly because I can not type as fast as my mind, some things are not form-able into written words and somethings just need to stay in my mind. Also not all thoughts are equal; I am constantly thinking on Phoebe, Courtney and Trevor. I am also constantly thinking on my work and the job I do.

Hopefully this makes a bit of sense.

 

 

 

How can we know what it is we are supposed to do with our lives? How can we tell what God is calling us to do? I just do not know and I am at a loss, there is so much chaos in my mind that I am just exhausted. Sometimes I just wish I could be like Joseph in Matthew 1 and 2; have an angel of the Lord appear and say hey do this, or you need to go here or there.
The thing about this exhaustion is that I am fighting this fear that I really do not have any faith. Surely if my faith was strong enough, the fog of the chaos in my mind would clear away, the path would open before me and I would know my purpose. If my faith was strong enough I could pray and heal my love of all of her pain. I could fall on my knees and pray for healing for my children and their pain would be gone, that my niece and nephew would no longer have their health problems or any of the others I pray for almost daily.
So I wonder how I can know. Where do I find the strength? How can I hear God through the chaos?
I read these verses from Matthew 6 and I just feel so far away from God and I wonder how to get from where I am currently to where I need to be.

24 “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

See Lord I read Matthew 7 and then I look out on the world and I grow confused, so I need help Lord in understanding what I read and a little bit of guidance.

1 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
6 “Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.

So I understand the judging part, I have a lot of work to do on this, but I think I am on the right track though I continue to stumble daily. The sawdust and the plank is giving me a lot of trouble. How Lord do I know when the plank is out of my eye? Is it that I am supposed to see what is going on around me, then do soul searching to ensure I am not doing the same things? The whole dogs, pigs and pearls; you just lost me on this one Lord because it really makes no sense to me.

7 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.
9 “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! 12 So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

Ok I understand this for the most part, I am trying to do to others what I would have them do to me; it is a struggle but I think I am getting better. The question Lord is when you talk about asking for and seeking; are you talking about salvation?

13 “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. 14 But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.
15 “Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. 16 By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? 17 Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. 18 A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. 19 Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. 20 Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.
21 “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. 22 Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ 23 Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’

Ok now I am in trouble Lord. When I read this it sounds very much to me that the deceit that permeates the world will permeate the “church on earth” as well. How Lord then do I know whether I am a good fruit or bad? Am I on the narrow road or the wide one? Am I truly doing the will of the Father? I think I might truly be in trouble as I am pretty sure I am just doing the best I can to take care of my family and have never spent enough time taking care of the poor, sick, imprisoned or hungry. So I definitely need your help to discern what I need to be doing.

24 “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. 26 But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”
28 When Jesus had finished saying these things, the crowds were amazed at his teaching, 29 because he taught as one who had authority, and not as their teachers of the law.

Thank you Lord for giving me hope that if I put into practice your words within this chapter that I may become like a wise man, I will have a good foundation that is strong and able to weather things within the world. Now if you will help me with understanding these and putting them into practice all day every day. Also please help me to stop getting angry with those who are clearly on the wide path, help me to just pray for them that they will listen and hear your call.