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Category: General Posts

A hard day

Published by on February 28, 2015

Today my wife Phoebe had Lithotripsy performed on her left kidney. All went well however the waiting was long and stressful. Having once sat through a surgery that went bad nearly costing Phoebe her life, I struggle each time to trust that all will be ok. This is especially hard as I struggle with depression, stress and anxiety on a daily basis; additional stressors outside of the norm can pose a…

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Curse you Siri

Published by Charles on February 24, 2015

This is just weird, tried to dictate a post on my iPhone on the way to work this morning. I was going to edit this but it is so wtf that I just decided it was fitting to leave it as is because I find it just funny.

Why is it that I have desires things I want to do and part of why my mental state is I am in that same mind is racing constantly thinking about him and so when I want to have some clarity Sue something at most like I have days where I can actually think about it and focus on it and accomplish something but as I do that my mind start that right constantly think of sleep is sleepless night dreaming not screaming but before my mind it is moving throughremind maybe three months of of pursuing this this passion in a non-there’s there are times where I can sit there andand rebuild an entire car in my mind in one night and I will row before I am just mentally exhaustedand I do this with all the things I am passionate about working on car with drawing even think I’m not really passionate about working on the yard of I can sit there and go through everything that needs to be done in the yard and annoy well I’m about to get yardI even think right now that I have a sense of clarity it’s not that I mind that much clearer than at other times but right now my mind is focused on fixing my moneyno I do not have my mind on my money and my money on my mind trying to fix my mind maybe the money but damn thing

Is there a point

Published by Charles on February 23, 2015

A blog with random, disjointed posts with no direction. Sometimes I have moments of clarity when I realize that is how I exist, random and disjointed. Sans direction. Moving through life from one point to another in a tireless cycle. In these moments of clarity I have a deep desire to gain control and maintain a positive direction. Lately I have been considering Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to learn some skills that could help me better manage my mind.

The problem I am running into is finding the right professional services that can work within my schedule and that I would be comfortable with working on my problems.

Unused tools rust and become dull

Published by Charles on October 10, 2014
When I was in my teens and early 20’s I wrote all of the time. Short stories, prose, even some poetry. Words seemed to flow easily; at times it was almost as if my mind was on fire.
So long ago, in another lifetime…
Before a career. Before stress on top of stress. Before I lost my way somewhere.
At some point I stopped writing, didn’t make the time, couldn’t find the words. I retreated into my own mind, trapped my thoughts in an abandoned corner and let them gather dust.
Now I want to write again and my mind is dull, the words come slowly. I write them down, scratch them out and try again. Mostly though I I just stare at the wall and think.

Acceptance can be impossible.

Published by Charles on October 8, 2014
Twenty-one years since I was injured in basic training. Twenty-two years since I was medically discharged from the Army due to the injury. My body failed me, the doctor that ignored me about my ankle failed me; that a simple surgery seventeen years later could fix the ankle. That my dream escaped me and I have never managed to let go and accept the fact is my own shortcoming.
So year in and year out I find myself trapped in the same rut; dreaming about woulda, coulda, shoulda. Wanting desperately to find a way back into the Army, to prove to myself that I am not weak, not a failure; to achieve my dream. This of course ignores the reality that my body is still broken, that I have other health issues that have developed over the years from other injuries.
What does it take to get past this type of life changing event? How do I accept something I don’t want to accept and try to move on with my life? These are the thoughts that trap me and keep me imprisoned.
I know and understand that I am not unique in my struggles. Nor do I write this to complain about my life. This is about gaining understanding of my own struggles and working towards a solution. I want to reach the point where I live my life with no regrets.

unsettled mind

Published by Charles on March 17, 2014

A blog without posts, too much work, no clarity of mind.
I cannot ever stay on a path, life distracts me and the world is forever pulling me in different directions and I find myself lost in the vortex. I am not someone who has ever managed to stay focused, never will I create the next great how to be a success blog or give insight into what makes an effective person. I am one of the many lost masses who struggle each day to survive in this world, nothing more.
Like many I want more out of life, I want control over my destiny. I want to go to sleep at night and actually sleep, not have my nights ruled by an uncalmed mind. I want to wake up rested each morning free of distractions and able to focus.
I always find it funny when I read self help books, websites or blogs because they only work for those whose minds don’t lack focus.

an American coward

Published by Charles on February 19, 2014

Absolute WTFery, when a cowardly draft dodger like Ted Nugent is referred to as a “freedom fighter”. He wasn’t even a draft dodger on principal of being against the war, just a coward. But now that he loves guns, and uses hate speech to threaten people; this makes him a freedom fighter to some people in Texas.
And to top off his cowardice he has made up stories about how he dodged the draft at different times as it suited him. Bottom line he is a coward and no amount of posturing and threatening people with guns will ever make him a fraction of a man compared to those who have served this nation.
I wish his self serving ass would just go away, but people like him never do they just keep promoting themselves.

Hoarding

Published by Charles on February 16, 2014

Stuff, things…,things we buy and save…,things people give us…,things we just dont throw away for one reason or another. Stuff in boxes, on shelves or in drawers. Closets, attics and more.

What drives some of us to keep and hoard things? When one generation hoards, how many subsequent generations will also become hoarders?

My paternal grandparents were hoarders, what lead them to become hoarders I will never know. This in turn contributed to my fathers hoarding. I see some of the same habits in my own life and as I am helping my mom deal with going through things and trying to come up with a plan to tackle things without becoming overwhelmed, I realize that I need to work through my problems and help my kids work through it as well.

Life is not meant to be easy, life simply is. Things happen and we have to deal with them, we don’t have to like it and sometimes it is okay to complain about it too.

fr1st p0st

Published by Charles on February 14, 2014

Why not make it a real WTF moment and use a cheesy, pathetic internet meme that should have died before it began.

So why blog, whats the point, who cares what I think or have to say? Absolutely nobody and right now that is what I need, my own little place to spew my thoughts out onto the world.

So why not just go to Facebook like everyone else and share to my hearts content? Because then I might have to read what people post on Facebook and it just pisses me off, this way I can have my own little world and if any one comes here then they can like it or not.