Well day 3 of adding Adderall to the cocktail at an entry level dose. I am sort of hyper focused, still filled with a profound sadness, the knot in my stomach has decreased a little, my teeth feel like they are ready to break in a few places from grinding and the tension, on the edge of panicking, jittery, agitated, and frequently feeling ready to explode at any moment.
So, I am manicly, panicly depressive, kind of Tri-Polar at the moment.
I just feel like physically working on something because I am too worked up to sit down and do things. I am only writing this blog post at the moment because I want to get this down and I am volunteering at a hospice center at the moment so limited as to what I can get up and do right now. I keep trying to do deep breathing and I cough each time I take a deep breath, thanks dust and pollen for your support during this trying time in my life.
Tonight I am going to tint the windows on my Mini Cooper while it is on wheel dollys and easily moveable before getting it up on jack stands. Just so happy to have gotten the garage clean enough to move it in today. All goes well I will have the timing chain replaced this week, be able to crank it up, and see if I still have an engine. I really am concerned that there is more wrong and that the engine may be an expensive boat anchor. It is disheartening to know that I owe as much as it is worth if the engine is running and if the engine is shot, I might have to become a gigolo or bank robber to come up with 3-4 thousand for an engine.
Did I mention I am stressed out all the time already. Well in case I didn’t, I am in a constant state of stress on the verge of a meltdown or explosion. Back to breathing, deep breath in through the nose slowly and hold for five, slowly out through the mouth. Now repeat for 5 minutes.