Month: February 2016

This is about the damnedest thing ever about my self confidence and how much I struggle with different issues in life. Without going into specific details last night I performed a few tasks for work that had to replicate across a cloud network. Now there were 2 basic parts of this task the first involving removing items and the second involved adding them back new. Because of possible replication issues part 2 was still chugging along this morning causing a few minor headaches. Needless to say this raised my stress level just a bit as I worked to troubleshoot elusive problems that disappeared almost as quickly as I could identify them. So about 1 1/2 to 2 hours to feel certain things were working and all was well. Then it happens, that first part that involved removal, well it was still replicating as well and suddenly all of the items are gone completely. So I felt certain that any new changes now should take effect over older replication and I started from scratch and began the process of re-adding everything back confident that it was the right choice to make given the time frames I was looking at for completion. I was also able to confidently send an email to my bosses and own the mistakes I had made in what occurred and to apologize.So why is it that I can own my mistakes with confidence, knowing that there is then a possibility of repercussions. That when it comes to decisions I make with my work on networks and communications platforms I am confident in my knowledge and understanding; I struggle with communication at times but I know how to do my job effectively. But let me tell you when it comes to my writing, my art work, speaking in public, having conversations with people, trying to build relationships and self confidence leaves me; only insecurities, doubts and fears remain. I find myself desiring to ask for others to give me feedback whether positive or negative because I feel in some ways invisible, always looking for the acknowledgement of my existence, questioning any positive feedback and at once not even wanting any acknowledgement. A hard thing to even put my name on the coloring book I created because I live in this state of Plurality within my mind.
So how does one go about accepting themselves and building their self confidence? What is it that I can do to be more comfortable with myself? Asking the questions is easy, the answering is always the conundrum.

Today he would have turned 66 years old and I miss him.

I remember being around 5 or 6 years old and helping him change the oil on his 55 Chevy Nomad in the parking lot of the housing in Büren Germany. I remember watching him lace his combat boots, hands moving like lightning. Watching him grade papers.

I remember watching him endure pain throughout his life, quietly. As much as I desire to emulate the man that he was, I struggle. In fact there are times I just feel lost, my tongue is too loose in my head and my problems flow too freely on my blog. I wonder if it is because I really just want to talk to him about them.

The eloquent thoughts in my brain fall from my fingers and lips as tattered rags upon the earth; or escape into nothingness, unexpressed and forgotten.In my mind I fret and want to choose my words carefully only to stumble through conversations like a punch drunk fighter unaware that the arena is empty and everyone has gone home.

I see a path before me and I am struggling to grasp where I am to begin. The road is straight however I must follow a path along the road that winds back and forth in order to learn how to walk on the road. On the sides of the road I must work on myself; strengthen my physical and spiritual self, grow and learn. If I choose and it is a choice I am free to make, I can keep my focus on the sides of the road and I will still be making progress along the road and will even find my feet occasionally on the road as I cross back and forth. If I choose and again it is a choice I am free to make, I can focus on the road itself. Out on the road I must put myself aside, relinquish control and submit to God fully. Out on the road itself faith, compassion, mercy and grace will guide my feet. Out on the road I must help others unconditionally without waiver, those who I will encounter on the road may be on their own paths, roads or wandering in the wilderness and all that is required of me is that I love them and God will do the rest through me. There will even be times when I will have to step back off the road to rest and be restored and continue to grow.
My choices so clear and clouded…

This is a coloring book celebrating the Black History of Columbus, Georgia. Proceeds of the sale are going to support the ministry of St John AME Church in Columbus Georgia.

Source: Black History in Columbus GA

On sale now for only $10

Let me preface this post by first putting forth a few of my personal opinions and beliefs when it comes to any discussion of religion, philosophy and the world, I will try to make it as clear and understandable as I possibly can with my limited abilities. My mind is a jumbled mess and so this just might not make a whole lot of sense but I feel compelled to try and get this out of my head.

Anything that involves human beings, to be realistic must account for the fact that we are each unique and wonderfully made. Our uniqueness includes but is not limited to differing perceptions, intellectual, emotional, and physical capabilities. As unique as we are though we are also very much the same with personality, emotional, intellectual and gender types that have specific traits that are shared across a sub group of people; for example some people can be taught via text book only, others require hands on learning. We are also all products of the environments and circumstances in which we are born and raised, in conjunction with our uniqueness this generates who we are as individuals.
One of the traits of human existence which I believe has the most impact on religion, philosophy and the world is selfishness/selflessness, I consider this one trait because philosophically I believe they can be at times one and the same, as some people are driven to help others because it makes them feel good not because they actually care about those they help.
Nothing on this earth occurs within a vacuum.
Leaders make a difference whether good or bad.
I believe there are three states; good, evil, and in between. We can often be deceived by ourselves and others into what we perceive belongs in each state.
Even though tomorrow is not promised, what we do today can spread out and affect the circumstances and experiences of someone else generations from now, just as events put in motion before our life time impacts who we are today.

With all that being said our personal embracing of religions and philosophies is molded and shaped by the people we are at the time they are introduced into our lives, how they play a part in our lives and how that growth occurs. A person immersed in a particular system of belief at an early age that is nurtured in that system of belief may never stumble in their faith and understanding. The person who is not nurtured but is instead put through a breaking indoctrination may lose faith or be even more brutal and unforgiving in their indoctrination of others into the belief system. Then there are those who seek religion and philosophy on their own, not raised with anything particular they seek for themselves this can be a very rocky road indeed.

All belief systems will be tested by the world, through life experiences and circumstances. The strength of ones faith and the depth of ones understanding in what one believes does not necessarily mean a damn thing. I say this because I believe just as steel that is not properly tempered becomes brittle and breaks so can the human spirit. Sometimes we want to believe that is not possible but we only have to open our eyes to the world around us and see those who have been broken. If we open our eyes not only would we see those who have been broken but we would also see those who are breaking.
All of this to arrive at the idea that religious and philosophical beliefs can be perceived quite differently by everyone. It can be thrust upon us, nurtured into us or sought out by us as individuals. These beliefs can shape our lives and color how we perceive the world around us. We can live intentionally with our beliefs as a guide through the world or as a sword against the world. I see these as two very different paths. On the path of our beliefs as a guide we attempt to lead a life that is morally right based on our beliefs and to be a positive example of our beliefs within the world, our goal is to be right within ourselves and for the majority of the beliefs in the world this translates into working positively within the world and helping others, if we are successful then others will see our example and be drawn to our beliefs. On the path of our beliefs as a sword against the world, we perceive immorality in those we encounter and fight to strike it from the world, those who flock to us wish to fight the immorality of others as well, often times in this fight against the immorality of others we ignore the true state of our own selves, choosing instead to joust with windmills.
The truth I see in all of this, through the jumbledness of my thoughts is that when we can approach the world and our beliefs from a position of selflessness, we can make a positive difference.

James 1
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.

I pray for wisdom and strength to shore up my doubts. That I can preserver with my trials, to grow daily in patience and maturity. that all I do will be with love and kindness.

Some people like to complain about Political correctness. They yearn for the days when they could use derogatory terms with impunity and everyone wasn’t so sensitive. How liberals are trying to take everything away from them.

But just mention the following and see how fast they start whining white privilege
black lives matter
history of racism in America
black history month

https://www.createspace.com/6061477

That with death of Justice Antonin Scalia, a strict Constitutionalist, who believed we should not move beyond the exact words in the Constitution; Republicans are clamoring that the sitting President should not nominate the next Supreme Court Justice.

Now if someone can please point to me where in the Constitution it says that the business of the People should not be conducted by President and Congress during year four of the Presidents term then I will happily back off. Otherwise get to work and do the jobs stipulated in the Constitution, that was why you were elected.

Twenty-three Valentine’s Days together. 

Through good times and bad, sickness and in health. Years when we had nothing and even a few where we had less than nothing. We have seen them through together.

I know I do not always buy the perfect gifts. There are many times when I do not say the right words. But Phoebe my love, I give you my heart anew every day and cherish the love we share more each day we are together even after twenty-three years.

Happy Valentines Day to my best friend Phoebe!