Skip to content

Month: December 2015

Half empty or half full

Am I a pessimist or am I just an analytical person be nature. I often ponder this question when I catch myself only focusing on the problems I see in the world around me. The thing is though I like to ponder solutions and possible root causes to the problems in the world.

I just keep these thoughts to myself because let’s be honest there are plenty of ideas going around on how to solve the problems of the world. The thing is though that we have the same problems today as we have had for the entirety of human existence. The only thing that ever really changes is well, nothing. I wonder sometimes if that is our true nature, self destruction.

Then I have this idea that these problems exist so that we all have an opportunity to achieve enlightenment, a state of understanding that I believe transcends any specific religion. That point in which we no longer think of ourselves, where we no longer have selfish desires, where we totally embrace the universal ideas that exist within each of the world religions.

I am probably just as wrong as everyone else, so it is all good.

An important reminder

I wanted to write a post today about some things that are making me angry lately. As I was searching for a passage of scripture to try and encourage my son Trevor through his continual struggle with constant, debilitating pain when I came across this passage in answer to my anger.

James 1
19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. 21 Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.
22 Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. 23 Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror 24 and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. 25 But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.
26 Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless. 27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

So I still need to find the words to encourage Trevor so I will continue to look.

The Chaos of my mind

I was talking to my wife Phoebe this morning and she suggested I try to draw this chaos and the try to explain it from there. So I have done the best I could and this is what I have come up with to give a bit of semblance.

IMG_0254

Now all of these dots are active thoughts bouncing around in my mind and does not include what I am actively trying to work on such as writing this post. The position of this chaos is also not static.

  • Some days it exists as if out in front of me, consuming all of my vision. Everything I must work on is through this barrage of thoughts.
  • Some days it surrounds me, these are my better days. The thoughts are bouncing around but manageable.
  • Some days it is behind me. I actually hate these days because there is just a vacuum and it is hard to think about anything at all.

So what about all of these thoughts and ideas, here are all the ones that have gone past my focal point in my mind within the last 15 minutes since I started trying to compose this post.

  • How is my brother doing, I wish I could figure out how to communicate with him.
  • I hope my mom has enough firewood
  • i hope this post is making sense
  • I need to get on the road soon
  • I hope there is something thawed out for dinner
  • Hope Pastor Debbie has had a safe trip home.
  • wonder if the nerve blocks are making a difference on Phoebe’s hands
  • did Trevor find his medicine.
  • I need to do a water color card for Aunt Dolly tonight and send to encourage her
  • Did I remember to check the backups
  • I need to get two public folders converted tonight
  • I really should delegate the clean up of these extensions but I want to see if there is a bulk way to do this
  • should i go to chiropractor tonight
  • do i want to get an epidural done or just increase the medicine
  • i have to get the yard raked and the leaves cleaned up in front of the house
  • I hope Trevor was able to get some school work done and turned in
  • how do I help Trevor
  • why don’t people see the world the way I do
  • i am hungry
  • what am I going to do to learn financial discipline
  • how do you write a letter of encouragement

That is just a sample, mainly because I can not type as fast as my mind, some things are not form-able into written words and somethings just need to stay in my mind. Also not all thoughts are equal; I am constantly thinking on Phoebe, Courtney and Trevor. I am also constantly thinking on my work and the job I do.

Hopefully this makes a bit of sense.

 

 

 

How can we know?

How can we know what it is we are supposed to do with our lives? How can we tell what God is calling us to do? I just do not know and I am at a loss, there is so much chaos in my mind that I am just exhausted. Sometimes I just wish I could be like Joseph in Matthew 1 and 2; have an angel of the Lord appear and say hey do this, or you need to go here or there.
The thing about this exhaustion is that I am fighting this fear that I really do not have any faith. Surely if my faith was strong enough, the fog of the chaos in my mind would clear away, the path would open before me and I would know my purpose. If my faith was strong enough I could pray and heal my love of all of her pain. I could fall on my knees and pray for healing for my children and their pain would be gone, that my niece and nephew would no longer have their health problems or any of the others I pray for almost daily.
So I wonder how I can know. Where do I find the strength? How can I hear God through the chaos?
I read these verses from Matthew 6 and I just feel so far away from God and I wonder how to get from where I am currently to where I need to be.

24 “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I need understanding Lord

See Lord I read Matthew 7 and then I look out on the world and I grow confused, so I need help Lord in understanding what I read and a little bit of guidance.

1 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
6 “Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.

So I understand the judging part, I have a lot of work to do on this, but I think I am on the right track though I continue to stumble daily. The sawdust and the plank is giving me a lot of trouble. How Lord do I know when the plank is out of my eye? Is it that I am supposed to see what is going on around me, then do soul searching to ensure I am not doing the same things? The whole dogs, pigs and pearls; you just lost me on this one Lord because it really makes no sense to me.

7 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.
9 “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! 12 So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

Ok I understand this for the most part, I am trying to do to others what I would have them do to me; it is a struggle but I think I am getting better. The question Lord is when you talk about asking for and seeking; are you talking about salvation?

13 “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. 14 But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.
15 “Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. 16 By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? 17 Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. 18 A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. 19 Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. 20 Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.
21 “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. 22 Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ 23 Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’

Ok now I am in trouble Lord. When I read this it sounds very much to me that the deceit that permeates the world will permeate the “church on earth” as well. How Lord then do I know whether I am a good fruit or bad? Am I on the narrow road or the wide one? Am I truly doing the will of the Father? I think I might truly be in trouble as I am pretty sure I am just doing the best I can to take care of my family and have never spent enough time taking care of the poor, sick, imprisoned or hungry. So I definitely need your help to discern what I need to be doing.

24 “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. 26 But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”
28 When Jesus had finished saying these things, the crowds were amazed at his teaching, 29 because he taught as one who had authority, and not as their teachers of the law.

Thank you Lord for giving me hope that if I put into practice your words within this chapter that I may become like a wise man, I will have a good foundation that is strong and able to weather things within the world. Now if you will help me with understanding these and putting them into practice all day every day. Also please help me to stop getting angry with those who are clearly on the wide path, help me to just pray for them that they will listen and hear your call.

I am frustrated God

Frustrated and angry with you God. But not just with you but myself as well. You see God, I feel like a kid at school who has gone out to the playground and you have told me how I should act. You have said to me that if I love you, I will follow your commands. But out on the playground there are all kind of troubles and I feel very much alone.

Deep in my heart I want to follow your commands, I want to have neighborly, brotherly love with all those I meet on the playground; to love them as I love myself and as I live you. I want to turn my cheek in the face of violence and surrender my life to your will. I want to pick up the cross you have laid out for me to bare and follow you where you would have me to go.

But Lord I am weak. No one wants to hear some middle age white man talk about forgiveness and God’s love at a time like this. No, what people want to hear is a Ted Cruz or a Donald Trump, they don’t want to turn the other cheek, they want to pick up their guns. They don’t want to love their neighbors much less their enemies. They want to proclaim “In God We Trust” but carry guns all of the time because lip service doesn’t stop bullets and shooting back seems better than praying. They demand every one say “God bless America” but do not want to be thankful for all the blessings that have already been bestowed and let’s not even talk about using those blessings for feeding the hungry, caring for the sick, taking care of those in prison, stuff like that.

So please God, fill my head with something else; I like the Gospels but they really don’t seem to be what people really want. Also this stress I feel about how your words are twisted or just ignored is playing on my mind and I have enough of my own problems. So how about something else for awhile, like beaches and bikinis please.

Hurry up and wait

As I sit here at the Georgia Veterans Service office to get some paperwork I have no excuse not to write a blog post. 

I was reading an email this morning that discussed a very common theme in many self help, motivational programs; visualization of your success. What occurs to me is that people like me are the bread and butter of this industry. Coming out of a long cycle of deep depression there is this desire to “get it together” and so people like myself will start grasping at straws to keep moving forward and not backsliding.

Speaking for myself I have determined what I really need is a permanent life coach that can work with me to help me change my mind so that I can learn how to visualize my success. I flounder on my own trying to to do make this change in my life. I want to find some way to fix my brain, to learn how to visualize my success and set goals for my future. I am hopeful today that the answer is just on the horizon.