Month: August 2015

I had them once. Actually I still have the same dream and desire that haunts my mind no matter how unattainable it has become I just won’t let it go.
I bring this up because I watched a motivational speaker on a TED talk speak about giving yourself permission to dream of something better. She spoke on the idea that we allow ourselves to become stuck throughout our lives as we tell others and ourselves that everything is good or even worse the F word, FINE. Because we say it, we make it the reality by removing the motivation, since good and fine are completely acceptable states of being. I think though we also tend to see past results and correlate them to future expectations; I tried to do A and B happened so if I try to do C then B will happen. Now if B is substantially negative then it becomes a fear.
So if our dreams, desires and ambitions are good things that we want to move towards we have to have motivation to move from where we are currently. We have to first give ourselves permission to move in that direction. Then we have to convince ourselves we really are not happy with our current situation so that we are motivated to act on what we have given ourselves permission to accomplish. Finally we have to encounter and overcome our fears and that is where I lose it with motivational gurus.
Here is the problem, often times motivational speakers tend to be like star athletes; they are outliers. People who really can’t explain how they do what they do, but we sure do like when they tell us a simple strategy. Hearing them or watching them play can be exhilarating and fills us with a hope and energy. That energy and hope can help us move past where we are currently unless we have allowed ourselves to be consumed by fear of trying. Then what? I don’t have a clue.

My week in review (=_=) (>.<)* \(~o~)/ <(°–°)/ ¯\(·.·)/¯ (>o<)

Tired, frustrated, anxious, angry. So much going on that I managed to mix up the day I had to have a CAT scan with contrast and showed up a day early. Got to have a barium nightcap and breakfast 2 days in a row. Oh yum. It is only Wednesday and I already feel like it should be Saturday or next Monday.
Now for something completely random.
I think life is a lot like a game of spider solitaire. The cards represent bits and pieces of ourselves; the time, energy and skills we are able to dedicate to life. Each of the Suits of cards that you build to move to the Foundation are representative of things you are trying to accomplish; goals, dreams, just living, bucket list, etc. The ten columns of the Tableau are the people, places and conditions in our lives; family, friends, work, health, churches, commuting, etc.
The act of moving the cards around the Tableau represents the decisions we make in life or the events that occur as we juggle ourselves across the conditions and constraints of our lives. We stack the cards up; sometimes with little effort, easily balancing everything out and seeing our accomplishments grow as the stacks of suits in the Foundation. Other times we find ourselves hitting dead end after dead end, decisions that we didn’t make or choices that were wrong, illness or injury.
The problem arises though that when we hit the roadblocks and can not continue we stay on the same path pouring ourselves out while everything just piles up around us becoming less manageable. There is no restart or new deal button we can hit and get fresh cards laid out and ready. What we can do though is stop. Take stock of our lives. Figure out what our priorities are, maybe redo our bucket lists. Get real with ourselves about who we want to be and what we want to be doing with our lives. Basically restart the game where we are in life with a fresh outlook.
Sure sounds real easy doesn’t it; being self aware, knowing that you have hit a rut or rock bottom and you have to make changes. What if you spend all of your time bouncing off the bottom? What if you lack self awareness, don’t even know your at rock bottom or which way is up? What if you know you are in a rut but you just can’t seem to ever figure anything out? Just what are you supposed to do?
These are the the thoughts and questions that drive my train.

Somethings just make me so angry. To all of those people who like to believe that people with things like depression, anxiety or other mental health issues are any of the following, or have made the following types of statements.

Just weak.

Don’t pray enough.

Just want attention.

Just making it up.

It isn’t real.

Just an excuse.

Well you just schedule time to come express those opinions to me, I will skip my medicine for a few days before our meeting. After I reach down your throat, extract your spine and use it to give you a colonoscopy, then we can discuss my failings and weakness.
I mean seriously would you tell someone who wears glasses, hearing aids, maybe has a heart condition these type of things? Maybe you would, maybe you like to project your problems on other people because you are just a weak individual who needs attention.
No one with mental health issues wants to admit to them publicly, we feel ashamed to have these issues which only compounds the problem. I blog about mine because I want others like me to know they are not alone. Even medicated it is a struggle to get through life; to hold down a job, be a spouse or a parent but the good days are worth the price.
I am reminded of a little saying; If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all. What a shame we can’t ever seem to practice this in our lives.

Do republicans always seem to include making it easier to fire people when they talk about things like Veterans Affairs reforms. Now granted the VA is just like any organization that has employees, you will have some that are the slackers, screw ups, under achievers, and those just there to get a paycheck. But the issue is that the VA has historically been underfunded with a track record of DENY, DENY, DENY that is seeded in the mentality that entitlements are bad, scary things that will destroy our great nation.
Maybe one of the solutions is to enroll all Veterans into Medicare so they have expanded coverage options. Another solution is to implement Kaizen within the Veterans Administration to fix real problems on the administrative side by using proven methods. Stop looking for scapegoats when Congress and the Executive branch for decades have been the main culprits behind the train wreck. Finally we need common sense not political grandstanding to dictate the treatment Veterans receive, it only cheapens the sacrifices they have made on our behalf and doesn’t solve problems.

There really is no way around it, my life has a lot of stress. Family health problems, my health problems, the never ending cycle of to-do lists associated with home ownership, commuting to work, work, rinse, repeat. And mostly my medicines help my mental and emotional state stay on a fairly even keel. Now other than the insanity of starting to blog about some of the things that weigh on my mind, I don’t like to talk about my problems. Quite frankly I do not want to complain about my problems, they aren’t unique or new to this world but they do weigh me down. The issue is though if we internalize our stress and hold onto it, eventually it builds up until we can no longer contain it within ourselves. That is one of the reasons I think we are drawn to share our problems with others, by verbalizing them we acknowledge those things with which we are struggling. We just want someone to listen; we aren’t looking for advise or even encouragement just to not be alone with our burdens. I know from when I was in therapy that can just be a wonderfully cathartic experience, unfortunately my schedule just really doesn’t make it possible.
So I unload some of it in my writing here on my blog but just doesn’t seem to help that much. And so yesterday the stress crossed that point where I just want to through my hands up and scream.
So here it is
My scream

Were you expecting something louder?

Or at least give an opinion. Seriously I am not trying to be an ass by asking these questions or attacking anyone; they are just questions I am genuinely curious to have answered.

Why is it we are a "Christian Nation" when it comes to enforcing morality against homosexuals but when it comes to feeding the poor, helping the oppressed then all of a sudden it becomes what exactly?

If paying taxes is horrible and robbery, why did Jesus say to do it, was he confused?

If we are one Nation under God, and you don’t trust the government, isn’t that sort of like not trusting God?

If Jesus said to turn the other cheek, go the second mile, and love your enemies; how does that work if you are armed and ready for confrontation?

I have a proposal to end all of the controversy. Immediately issue passports to all US citizens free of charge, require all states wanting to enact voter id laws or who have already enacted such laws to be required to accept passports as valid ID. Establish mobile passport offices to go anywhere there is a need to ensure no citizen is disenfranchised. In addition we need a law that requires sufficient polling places, open 24/7 for an adequete time period, geographically convenient to ensure all citizens vote. Also if employees are late or unable to arrive at work because of long lines at polling locations they should be protected by law from punishment.
Is this a capitulation to the republicans, in some ways yes but by proposing a compromise that addresses the many issues with current id laws I believe we can find common ground. Or at the very least force the hand of those who really just want to suppress votes.

Sometimes they go by faster than others. Not even sure where a few of the days even went. It is frustrating to try and take account of things when they just run together or I just don’t remember them.
The last several days I have wanted to write a blog post and the words just fall flat. Maybe this next week will be better, less stressful.

For decades black Americans have been killed by police at a statistically disproportionate number than whites in similar circumstances. A year ago the killing of Michael Brown in Ferguson, MO broke the camels back leading to protests and riots and the rise of the BlackLivesMatter movement. For these many decades white Americans have predominately remained silent, those who have been vocal usually are quick to offer many reasons why those who died deserved what happened; they shouldn’t have been doing something wrong or disobeying the police.
Now here come the logic gymnastics. A white teenager is killed during a drug bust and instead of outrage with more excessive policing and another possibly unnecessary death; the anger turns towards the BlackLivesMatter movement because THEIR SILENCE is racism. Because they are not having protests in the name of the white teenager, then they are the problem.
So decades of silence by the majority of Americans was OK but if black Americans want to stand up against the violence then they have to carry the torch for everyone.
I just don’t get it, I really don’t. What I do think though is that if you respond to BlackLivesMatter with AllLivesMatter then you damn sure better put your money where your mouth is and be protesting every killing that occurs not just complaining when another group just joins in your silence.

For a good explanation of BlackLivesMatter please read the following, original is at the following link
https://www.reddit.com/r/explainlikeimfive/comments/3du1qm/eli5_why_is_it_so_controversial_when_someone_says/

"Imagine that you’re sitting down to dinner with your family, and while everyone else gets a serving of the meal, you don’t get any. So you say "I should get my fair share." And as a direct response to this, your dad corrects you, saying, "everyone should get their fair share." Now, that’s a wonderful sentiment — indeed, everyone should, and that was kinda your point in the first place: that you should be a part of everyone, and you should get your fair share also. However, dad’s smart-ass comment just dismissed you and didn’t solve the problem that you still haven’t gotten any!

The problem is that the statement "I should get my fair share" had an implicit "too" at the end: "I should get my fair share, too, just like everyone else." But your dad’s response treated your statement as though you meant "only I should get my fair share", which clearly was not your intention. As a result, his statement that "everyone should get their fair share," while true, only served to ignore the problem you were trying to point out.

That’s the situation of the "black lives matter" movement. Culture, laws, the arts, religion, and everyone else repeatedly suggest that all lives should matter. Clearly, that message already abounds in our society.

The problem is that, in practice, the world doesn’t work the way. You see the film Nightcrawler? You know the part where Renee Russo tells Jake Gyllenhal that she doesn’t want footage of a black or latino person dying, she wants news stories about affluent white people being killed? That’s not made up out of whole cloth — there is a news bias toward stories that the majority of the audience (who are white) can identify with. So when a young black man gets killed (prior to the recent police shootings), it’s generally not considered "news", while a middle-aged white woman being killed is treated as news. And to a large degree, that is accurate — young black men are killed in significantly disproportionate numbers, which is why we don’t treat it as anything new. But the result is that, societally, we don’t pay as much attention to certain people’s deaths as we do to others. So, currently, we don’t treat all lives as though they matter equally.

Just like asking dad for your fair share, the phrase "black lives matter" also has an implicit "too" at the end: it’s saying that black lives should also matter. But responding to this by saying "alllives matter" is willfully going back to ignoring the problem. It’s a way of dismissing the statement by falsely suggesting that it means "only black lives matter," when that is obviously not the case. And so saying "all lives matter" as a direct response to "black lives matter" is essentially saying that we should just go back to ignoring the problem.

TL;DR: The phrase "Black lives matter" carries an implicit "too" at the end; it’s saying that black lives should also matter. Saying "all lives matter" is dismissing the very problems that the phrase is trying to draw attention to."

As I examine my life I think it is important to dive deeply and get to the bottom of my issues so I can grow. To this end I think it is important to look at the people and situations when I am judgmental, maybe in doing so I can come to terms with them. I expect that some will read what I write and get angered or offended, I fully understand.
I am judgmental of specific groups of wealthy people. The first group are those who build their wealth at the expense of those who work for them, increasing their wealth year over year while the wages they pay remain stagnant or increase at a trickle. Second are those who want the money they earn from capital gains to be taxed at lower rates than wages. Then there are those who act like their wealth makes them better than everyone else, that they deserve special consideration and use their wealth to buy access to government. My judgmental attitude stems from an aversion to greed and what I perceive as greed as well as a desire for social justice. I started feeling this way when I got to high school and encountered my first wealthy people. The cliques at my high school really opened my eyes to disparity of wealth and the attitudes they held against those who they saw as beneath them helped shape my view towards these groups. I have come a long way though as 20 years ago I was judgmental against all who are wealthy. Over the years I have come to understand that there are many good people who just happen to be wealthy but the ones who fall into these groups I struggle not to be judgmental of them.
I am judgmental of certain types of religious people. The first type cover their vehicles with religious symbols and drive like no one else is on the road with them; cutting people off, running stop signs, endangering others. The second type use their religion for their own personal gain by including religious symbols in their advertising and signage for the attention of attracting business. The other type are those who wear their religious beliefs as a badge, say things that are completely in opposition to the beliefs they espouse, want to force their religion on others and claim persecution when people disagree with or oppose them. What can I say I know that people are not perfect, we stumble and fall all the time, we get in a hurry going places but the rest of the world is watching and forming opinions, making judgements. The others the only thing I can say is they just irritate me partially because I have been on the vendor side of a couple of “religious” businesses and it left such an impression that I see certain things and I won’t do business with a company. The other type I wouldn’t even know where to begin or what to say.
I am also judgmental of the news media that jump to conclusions too quickly and those who mix the reporting of news with opinion. Breaking news is important, we need to be informed but when news channels care more about ratings, don’t vet their sources and allow the line between opinion and news to blur they do us all a disservice. I am also judgmental of those who repeat what they hear on these outlets as if it was gospel truth. Sometimes it takes time to sort through information and people just need to be patient, maintain an open mind and let the truth come out. I really think it would be nice if news outlets could only provide news, weather and sports; facts and figures. Anytime they report false information, omit information to shape opinion or give opinion then they should be punished harshly and publicly. Opinion should be provide through another outlet with prominent water marks stating that it is opinion and not facts. Then I could just agree or disagree with opinions and have a better idea what is going on in the world. People that discriminate for any reason and in any manner.
When I encounter these people or situations I get very irritated and at times angry. I just don’t know how to just let it go; there is no reason I should let these things eat at me the way I do, it isn’t like I am going to change anyone’s view of the world especially if all I can do is get angry.
So how do I work on myself so I can let go of this anger and worry about more important things; like people who could use my help? What are we supposed to do as individuals when we struggle this way?