I see a Red door
And I want to Paint it Black. The essence of so much depressive angst captured in a timeless song. Sad part is I did not understand the significance of painting a red door black until a few years ago. For some the red door signified welcoming and refuge, by painting it black you were turning away from welcoming. I have always loved the song because it spoke to how my soul felt, a place of desolation and pain. Even with my new medicines I feel the undercurrent of those desolate feelings, almost like a rip tide tugging at my ankles ready to pull me back into depression. The medicine is no more than a band-aid some days and a very weak one at that.
Sometimes I think my real voice is lost in that current, too much self inflicted pain fueled by self doubts and circumstances of life leave me afraid to try to express myself. The words all feel so dark and I want to unburden my soul I just do not know how or want to just be perceived as a pessimist.