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My psychiatrist has recommended that the next step in my treatment, due to depression that is continuing unabated for months now despite the medication, is Transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS). TMS is a 4-6 week treatment regiment consisting of 5 40 minute sessions per week. Now since I have not met my deductible completely for the year, I know that if I have this done before April 1 I will be paying several thousand dollars, if I wait until April 1 my deductible year starts over and wham I could be looking at double the amount. If the ACA is repealed with no replacement, individual mandates go away and tax credits for businesses disappear, then I expect that my employer provided insurance may see cost increases and benefit reductions on par with pre-ACA years. For those of us with health problems, I suspect we will see an erosion of options back to getting treated at the ER as a last resort and foregoing treatment.

I would ask why, but it does not matter. In fact healthcare may soon be the least of our concerns, as cost of goods will soon skyrocket if Trump imposes tariffs on imported goods. How long before we see a vote on ending Federal Minimum Wage? What about the end of public education? Legalization of indentured servitude anyone? After the last few days wouldn’t surprise me at all. And so the Republic teeters on the edge of oblivion.

Feel free to use and share with others.

Dear Member of Congress,

The United States of America is a nation of laws and principles, founded on the ideals of life, liberty, and equality. The President of the United States has now signed an illegal executive order restricting immigration from seven countries based on religion. Ironically this executive order states “The United States cannot, and should not, admit those who do not support the Constitution” while trampling on the very ideals embodied in the Constitution.

So, where do you stand? I am one of your constituents and I want to know where you stand! Will you condemn this un-American action by President Trump, will you stand up and publicly condemn his actions? Will you put your oath of office before your political party affiliation?

If this travesty is allowed to stand unchallenged by members of Congress, you will have left us standing on a slippery slope, and then the next erosion of American law that President Trump commits will be too late. We the American people are depending on you.

Sincerely,

Not dreams, wallflowers, that take my hand for a moment and leave me before the end of the song.

Dreams, goals, visions for the future. They haunt my mind, not because they are bad, but because they slip away so fast. I cannot envision tomorrow beyond half an hour from now.

I think every self-help book I have read starts along a similar line, Take a small step or some such equally simple but grand path. So, you start small and build from there, believe in yourself, tell the universe or God this will be so and it will; hush but it is a secret to be dispensed by some guru if you pay them or buy their book. But half an hour is all I have and the hands on the clock move swiftly against me, not even a full deep breath and it is gone, only an illusion.

Now I see events transpiring in the world and my eyes are wide open. Not because they were ever closed, but too focused. Focused on making it through each day and taking care of my family, found something that I am very good at and made a career out of it. It was enough, I could provide a good life for my children, their future would be brighter and they could have dreams like I never could. What a fool I have been. We are racing towards a cliff as a nation, hell-bent on self-destruction, and I have nothing if it all collapses. No way to move forward if I had to start over tomorrow, as things slip through my mind so quickly.

Decided it was time for a little housekeeping and a makeover. My plan is to grow my blog this year, as well as release a book. I am working on setting up a dedicated Facebook page and have set up an email subscription list.

I am looking at different ways to expand and draw more traffic. Also working on a plan to be consistent with my postings go forward.

For the next few weeks posting may be erratic as I dial in what works.

On life

Clothes,
lie scattered
on the floor,
in a chair.

Dishes,
clang together
in a sink,
running water.

Radio,
playing softly
a baby,
softly snoring.

Mother,
rocking slowly
with the baby,
in her arms.

Father,
working quietly
so mother
can rest.

Overcast sky, storms on the horizon, Babylon rising higher.
Politricks heavy on I and I, watching the downpressor man rise.

I bang my head against the wall in trying to understand the full realm of human nature. I would really like to understand why people view the world so differently. What makes one person selfish and another selfless? Why do some want equality for all and others to want to protect only themselves? Can conflict between humans ever be overcome completely?
My mind betrays me; teasing me with deep, fleeting thoughts, and insights into the type of knowledge that could make a difference in this world only to laugh maniacally, as I lack the ability to turn the thoughts into an actionable study. The dreams of being unable to speak, feeling as if my mouth is paralyzed, are more than just dreams, they are analogous to a disconnect that exists between a section of my mind that I cannot unlock and share with the world and the living breathing me.

Is it possible to be humble and stand tall?

When the nominee for Secretary of the Treasury forgets what he owns certain large properties or that he is a director for an investment fund based in the Cayman Islands, he responds with the following.

 “I think as you all can appreciate, filling out these government forms is quite complicated,” Mr. Mnuchin said, noting that he had handed over 5,000 pages of disclosures. “Let me first say, any oversight, it was unintentional.”

“In his revised questionnaire, Mr. Mnuchin disclosed several additional financial assets, including $95 million worth of real estate — a co-op in New York City, a residence in Southampton, New York, a residence in Los Angeles, California, and $15 million in real estate holdings in Mexico,” Democratic staff members of the Senate Finance Committee wrote in a memo on Thursday. “Mr. Mnuchin has claimed these omissions were due to a misunderstanding of the questionnaire.”

Unintentionally or because of a misunderstanding; really, seriously? I could understand if he has applying for some little job somewhere but wtf this is Sec of the Treasury, you triple and quadruple check your paperwork and ask for a damn extension if necessary. Also if the paper work is confusing wait till you see the job.

Now look God, I understand we are to trust in you. And I do understand what you meant in Luke 6:31 when you said, “Do to others as you would have them do to you.” I get it, I do. And I know the whole Alpha and Omega, beginning and end, yesterday, today, and tomorrow.
But seriously God, did you mean to fill the world with so many masochists and sadomasochists?

Smoldering embers buried deep within,

heating up under the mounting pressure.

Tremors like earthquakes through my body,

disrupt my calm exterior.

Muscles tightening more and more.

My jaw clenched tightly,

grinding my teeth with every breath

as I try to focus on the task at hand,

fifteen more wait on my shoulders,

sagging under the weight,

of my heavy load.

Smoldering embers reaching out,

delicate fingers winding around my resolve,

beginning to glow and grow,

gaining strength with each passing day.

Soft flickering tongues of flame,

sprouting from the embers

as they begin to consume the fuel;

pressure, demands, and commitments;

oxygen rich lovers embrace the dancing flames.

Stronghold of my resolve engulfed in smoke.

Raging inferno of flame and smoke,

obliterating everything within the path they choose,

littering the landscape with barren soot,

as all is consumed

and burned out.

I read some comments on another blog and I started to write a post arguing blah, blah… when I realized that I lack the linguistic ability to express blah, much less blah, blah. It is not even about linguistic ability; I lack the translational abilities to render a comprehensible dissertation on some of the concepts that exist within my head. This I think is one of the reasons some people come off sounding, for lack of a better word crazy. When they go to reason and express their opinions, what comes out is not the beautifully reasoned, logical argument that played out in their head. Oh no, not that. Instead what you end up with is a driveling, uncomfortable pile of twice eaten dog shit; which might beg the question why do dogs do that? The reason for coprophagia in canines seem to be as varied as human political or religious ideologies and if you are concerned about this in any of your canine friends, I would recommend consulting a veterinarian. If, however, you are trying to make sense of what might be in your own head and how to properly extract it for the consumption of others, well that might be a bit more difficult.
The problem is that human beings are complex biological creatures with no natural predators to keep the population in check. It is therefore out of necessity that our species has adapted a self-regulation methodology to attempt population control. Cunning creatures that we are, we constantly find ways around any natural regulative agency. Afraid of being naked, we got some clothes; afraid of freezing, we got some warmer clothes; afraid of boredom, we got Netflix; afraid of living to an old age, we got booze and tobacco. We are very adaptive. So, you are probably wondering WTF does this have to do this being unable to get thoughts out of your head. Well I posit that if the thoughts you are trying to express could truly end war, famine or pestilence; you will not be able to get them out of your head, alternatively, they might get out of your head in an understandable fashion at which point you will be dead, usually in a violent fashion. It is part of the natural process, in fact, the opposite is also true, somewhere along the line of a self-destruction event, there will be a natural correction and the population will boom.
So, in a nutshell, there may be truths in your head that God lets run through your mind so you can mull them over, that may be as far as he will let you go with them. Well unless he needs a martyr, then your goose is cooked. But sometimes those truths that he reveals to you are so you can go and study a subject and get to the heart of the matter for yourself. So, until then express what you can and please if your dog needs it, take them to the Vet.