Month: January 2021

I used to joke and say I am not a control freak, I just like to be in control. I used to be so bad that I would never ride with anyone else because I would not have control. Then I read a post on Facebook that opened with the following “How do you know someone feels unsafe in their body (+ therefore the world?) They’re controlling.” It is an interesting premise and I spent quite a bit of time today reflecting on my life and this idea that I might feel unsafe and that drives controlling behavior patterns in my life.

I strongly believe in honest introspection, because I believe we can all become better people if we look at ourselves more than we look at the behavior of others. At the end of the day we are responsible for who we are and towards that end we must temper the core of our souls, chiseling away at our imperfections, even if it takes a lifetime.

To that end I am looking at my life to clear away the negatives and replace them with positives. Only time will tell if I succeed. At least now I have a new perspective on an irrational behavior pattern, control issues; and I can see some of the pavers that contributed to the path of fear that leaves me feeling unsafe.

There are days where my thoughts are just empty of words, I can close my eyes and my mind is full of random flashes of images, all out of focus. I know deep down the images are somehow important but I cannot get them into focus, they just drift away from my touch then change again. Then there is the silence, an eire silence that tugs at my soul, there is a meaning in this silence that I cannot comprehend. I cry out in my mind why, what does this mean? My words fall heavy, consumed by the fog that hangs around the images and the silence mocks me.

My wife Phoebe and I are playing Scrabble and just having a good time, wasn’t too long ago that I couldn’t say that. I used to be super competitive when playing games but now I just enjoy the time together with the person I am playing with, whether it is Phoebe or the kids.

The one game I will not play though is Monopoly as that particular game has always brought out the worst in me. I learned how to play Monopoly from my father and he was cut throat when playing the game. So, I refuse to play it anymore because I don’t want to be that person I become when playing.

Yesterday the United States of America entered into Chapter 46 of our Nations history of Presidents. As with each changing chapter there will be about half of the country who are full of anguish as their candidate lost the election, this is the reality of a Democratic Republic. Many of those on the losing side will not accept anything done by the new administration and will stew in their anger. They will unfortunately not put aside their differences and try to find common ground. Each chapter this seems to get worse and I wonder how long the Republic can continue to function for all Americans when there is so much strife and division.

Take as an example the Keystone pipeline decision, for many this is an intolerable decision, they want the pipeline built and they do not care that it will endanger other Americans in the process. They also believe that cancelling it will raise gas prices, which is a possibility, however the last 4 years have shown that gas prices can stay low without the pipeline. The point of the pipeline itself is to get the oil to the gulf where it can be sold to other countries, not sold in the US. If they wanted to sell it in the US they could build a refinery plant at the Canadian Border and give us a safe source of petroleum products not in danger every hurricane season. A refinery that could also process the oil from North Dakota. This would create more jobs than just building a pipeline, a refinery would mean long term jobs for the foreseeable future.

But the problem is that people on both sides of the political spectrum have become so single minded in their support for their political beliefs, that the idea of compromise and common ground has been murdered. I pray that President Biden can revive compromise in the leadership of our nation. That we can make progress on issues that will benefit the majority of Americans. I also pray that the events of Jan 6 are behind us and armed insurrections will not tear us further apart.

Working through the twelve week program with my wife and daughter. Just finishing up week 3. It is almost like an independent therapy program, it is about taking a look at your own life to heal the creative artist within. It is much cheaper than going to therapy and since we are all three working on it we can remind each other to write our pages and work on our tasks. I would highly recommend investing 20-30 dollars in the book and taking the twelve weeks to work through it. As I progress through the weeks I will provide my insights, first insight is that taking the time each day to write three pages of stream of conscience is more difficult to do than I imagined it would be when I first read it. Some days half a page is a struggle. But onward we must go.

As a long time sufferer of Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety, and Attention Deficit Disorder I would like to say to everyone get treatment if you have Mental Health issues. Life is not always easy and with Mental Health issues the daily stressors of life can quickly lead to crisis. I know medication does not work for everyone, some people have to endure Electro Shock therapy, some can manage through therapy.

The problem is none of these options are cheap, in fact Mental Health treatment can be more expensive than having other physical health problems. If I go to my primary care physician I pay a simple $30 copay, no deductible to be met, when I go to my psychiatrist I pay between $160-$180 per appointment until I meet my deductible, this does not include drug tests every other visit. Because I am on controlled substances I have to go every 2 months for my prescriptions so I pay between $960-$1080 per year just for the psychiatrist, medications just add to the cost. I am lucky that the medications I am on work for me and I am able to function on an everyday basis.

That is the key, I am lucky, I can work and hold down a steady job. When my Mom got sick I was able to take care of her and work, the toll though was I struggled through a lot of hardship, I did not have the best year at work, and my Mom passed away from aggressive ovarian cancer 5 days after her diagnosis on Sept 28, 2019. The ensuing year was so bad I received the worst review I have ever received in 32 years of employment, I did not offer up excuses, I took it as a learning experience and because my Mental Illness is under control I was able to do that. I did not break down though I have come close several times since the death of my Mom.

I know that things could be much worse for me, I have seen what that looks like and I am thankful every day for all that I have and all I can do. The problem is that there are so many others in this world that suffer from Mental Illness and it goes untreated, they cannot function and many of the homeless people you encounter 1/4-1/3, based on statistics on the internet, suffer from Mental Illness. So, I pray that the cost of mental health care comes down and that those who need treatment are able to be treated. I also pray that the stigmas associated with Mental Illness will one day fade into the past.

Another year done and what a WTF year it was. It would be nice if this year could start off better but with the lingering Covid crisis and the election drama that doesn’t seem like it will end anytime soon, it feels like we are stuck in the clutches of a weird B movie that should have gone straight to the bargain dvd bin, but we are stuck living it out instead. I want to start the new year on a positive note but this playing whack-a-mole with 2020 has dragged me down. I hate being a pessimistic person and if there is anything about myself that i would resolve to change this year it would be my outlook on life. I think it comes down to a trust issue, I trust that certain people are going to act in a way that is detrimental to others and that the rest of us will have to navigate the ensuing disaster that follows in their wake.

Maybe I will just resolve to try and write more blog posts and let the rest of the pieces fall where they may. So Happy New Year from WTFery may it soon start showing promise.