Month: May 2020

There is a knot in my stomach every time I sit down to write lately. It is almost a fear, but I am not sure what I am afraid of, whether it is what I will write will be bad or just that nothing intelligible will come out. It is almost like a type of writers block. Another frustration to work through.

I miss you Mom. This is the first Mother’s Day without you here and I miss you very much. The pain of your passing is still too raw and the new normal of life is still full of sadness.

Some days are filled with nothing but pain. Physical or emotional the pain is real. Together they are a damn burden. Sometimes the burden just feels like more than I can bear and I don’t know how to go on. Days like today I crave cigarettes more than most other days, 14 years without a cigarette and the addiction is still there. I am starting to think it will always be there hanging over my shoulder, just waiting until I am weak enough to give in. That one day when the pain and grief are too much to handle and then it will be all down hill from there. Today it is pretty close, even the medicine is not helping.

I think once things open backup I am going to get some grief counseling since I have not ever come to terms with the loss of either of my parents, I just bottled it all up in side the same as I do with all of my heartache. I am at the point where there is not any more room left in the bottle and I am ready to explode, or melt down, maybe both.