Working on a short story to try and work through some issues, sometimes it helps to change the names and look at a problem from the outside.
Doug considered himself one of the luckiest men in the
world. He had a beautiful, intelligent wife named Jennifer. They had been
married for over twenty years raising their two children who both graduated high
school and went on into college, not any easy feat in this day and age. Doug
had a good steady job and was able to provide for his family, not necessarily able
to get them everything they wanted, but there was always food on the table and a
roof over their heads. It did not matter to Doug that the spare money went to
pay medical bills for his wife’s disability, his children’s health problems, or
his mental health problems. In his own way Doug was happy even if it did not
show in his demeanor, unfortunately the demeanor his family always saw was one
of stress, anxiety, and depression. Often times Doug would lose his temper at
the smallest things as he desperately tried to exert some control over his
life.
Years of being diagnosed and treated for a major depressive
disorder that seemed to never get better, but steadily got worse, left Doug
feeling helpless and bitter towards his doctor. Finally, Doug made the leap and
came off of all of his medication for 9 months until he could find a new doctor
that diagnosed him as bipolar, a diagnosis that should have been made in high
school when he was suicidal and started self-medicating with cigarettes and
alcohol. Somehow Doug had survived that, the same as he survived being bullied
for years in elementary, middle and high school. Doug just internalized
everything silently bearing the pain. The biggest pain Doug bore though was
rejection and it was this pain that would be his undoing.
Doug never really fit in anywhere. When he sat daydreaming
in class his dreams were always different. When he was asked questions, his
answers came from a much different point of view and so he stopped answering
because it hurt when other students ridiculed him. To make things worse Doug would
blush at the drop of a hat, and not just blush but turn a deep crimson red that
other students always found funny. There was no one for Doug to turn to as even
his parents could not understand him, he lacked the ability to articulate his
inner thoughts and they thought he was just silly and lazy at school.
Life did not get easier as Doug grew up, interest in girls
quickly led to rejection by girls. The same kind of rejection he experienced in
group activities spilled into individual relationships and so he sunk further
into himself. The few relationships Doug did have always ended badly or never
became anything. It was at one of the lowest points in Doug’s life that
Jennifer came back into his life, they had been friends on and off since his
junior year in high school, but suddenly she wanted a romantic relationship
with him of all people. He kept wanting to pinch himself, surely it was just a
dream, even on the day they were married Doug was still in disbelief that
Jennifer actually wanted to spend the rest of her life with him.
Through the ups and downs of marriage Doug trod carefully, afraid at any moment Jennifer would realize her mistake or he would wake up from the best dream ever. That Jennifer stuck with him through his anger and depression could never register through his obsessive fear of rejection and his insecurity. Doug had such a low opinion of himself even after decades of Jennifer trying to build him up that one day, he succeeded in realizing his self-fulfilling prophecy. Doug could not tell you what the fight was about, he was under a lot of stress at work, his mother had recently passed away, his medications recently adjusted, and medical bills were piling up again. Doug knew though when he put himself down and Jennifer reacted by telling him he did not trust her and apparently never had since she had spent 20 plus years trying to build him up, he had gone too far.
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