Month: March 2017

So I went for the induction evaluation last night for the partial inpatient hospitalization program. They did not keep me and I am on track for Monday, just have to go back by Sunday night for a follow-up evaluation. In hindsight that was actually the easy part, well after they said you are a good candidate and agreed to let me start Monday. Even with all of the questions, even the uncomfortable ones. Oh, wait most of them were uncomfortable but it went well overall.

This morning though was the next major hurdle, letting my boss know what is going on next week. First, I found out the program can be 5 to 10 days, however, I will not know until Friday if I need to return the next week. Second, I will be without my phone from 7:30 – 5 every day and in my job, even on vacation, I field emergency calls on occasion. Well, buttercup just had to suck it up and fire off the email because I will not be ashamed, besides if I can post this on my blog for the entire world to see I can write an email to my boss. So, done and dusted!

This evening I will be getting an evaluation done as part of the pre-authorization requirements for a “partial inpatient hospitalization.” What this means is that next week I will be spending my vacation in a mental health facility during the day and going home each night. Well if my insurance company gives the approval. The part that makes me nervous is what to do if I go in for the evaluation and they want to keep me. I have prior commitments this week including work and I view this as a very valid concern. This is one of the reasons that can make it difficult for persons with mental health concerns to seek the treatment that they need as it can be a fine line between voluntary and involuntary hospitalization.

Of course, unlike a hospital stay for physical problems, a stay at a mental health facility means no cell phone, no belt, no shoe laces, etc. In other words isolation from the outside world and protection against self-injury. This does not even touch on the entire social stigma that goes along with a stay of any type at a mental health facility. Luckily for me, that part does not bother me but I know that for other people it can make seeking help impossible because of how society will treat them.

So, if all goes well I get evaluated, insurance blesses it and I spend the week in a focused therapy regiment, maybe some medication changes all while getting to sleep in my own bed each night.

A little something from my sketchbook, both are ballpoint pen sketches. The lamp is a still life and the pond is loosely based on a picture.

I had a dream the other night that keeps replaying in my mind. There was a little lab rat and they started him off in an easy maze, he would run through it and get his little piece of food and was happy. Each day a pair of gloved hands would reach in a lift him out of his cage, place him in the maze and off he would go. Over a short time period, the mazes got larger and more complex. Satisfied that the little rat was sufficiently trained, the scientist started introducing slight static charges if the rat arrived at a dead end and had to turn around. Nothing painful mind you, just a bit of a nudge to discourage going down the wrong path. After a few weeks, the little rat moved more cautiously through the mazes, sniffing for the food at each intersection before proceeding.

Then one day the moved the rat to another room and each day was the same thing. A pair of gloved hands would pick him up out of his cage and place him in the maze. Now each day the maze changed and he could smell the food, however, when he arrived at the dish it might have food, be empty, or he would get shocked when he touched it. And no longer was it a little static electricity shock, but a painful charge. After a few weeks, the rat would try to hide in the corner of his cage from the gloved hands; his fur started falling out and he was losing weight.

One day the hands placed him in the maze and he just lay there, not moving. Suddenly he felt it, the shocking jolt and he took off running. He stopped at an intersection to sniff for the food and as he was trying to decide, suddenly he felt it again and just blindly took off running. He ran all the way down the passage and reached a dead end, more pain racked his little body. He took off running back the way he came, back to the intersection, but the pain continued with each step. Back at the intersection, he tried to stop and sniff, but he was hurting so he took off down another passage. He was lucky and reached the food dish and the pain stopped, but the dish was empty. This continued on, some days there was food, other days nothing. The pain, however, was a constant.

That is where my dream ended and it was so vivid it stuck in my mind, which is very unusual in itself. So, now I am wondering am I the rat? Does the maze represent my depression and anxiety? How long before the poor rat would just give up and lay there or would he keep going? Maybe this was just a nightmare and nothing more. Does anyone else feel like the rat?

That is all that comes to my mind every day when I check the news. We are now living in an era that completely defies logic and I keep waiting for the next shoe to drop. Who am I kidding, I am in a constant state of biting my tongue, trying to maintain a modicum of patience and it slips away with each passing day.

Three people have been shot in “get out of my country” incidents, one of them died, and yet some people question why there are Americans who now live in fear since The Republicans won the Whitehouse on a campaign of conspiracy theories and hate. It just blows my mind. This entire mentality that non-whites in America should be all content and happy when white supremacists are on a meteoric rise once again and are influencing the government.

I just do not know anymore.

Catching up on my reading for my dFree class http://mydfree.org and what a powerful message regarding Luke 6:41-42, Dr Soaries says “We can no longer afford to see what is wrong with others and ignore what is wrong with us. We are called upon to see ourselves, and if we are living in hell, we need to tell the truth about ourselves to ourselves.” Dr Soaries is talking about those issues that lead us into financial slavery and keep us enchained, but is this not one of the cornerstones of Christianity, confession of our sins. How much of our sins though do we truly confess? How often do we lie to ourselves and leave our biggest sins hidden, and by biggest, I simply mean the ones that control our lives and stand in the way of a right relationship with God.

For me this part is easy, I have always had low self-esteem, so seeing what is wrong in my life, is as natural as breathing. The fixing and overcoming those issues, well that is another story altogether.