Month: March 2017

I have been try to write down and work through the different things that are causing so much of my anxiety. Some of my anxieties I just cannot talk about, they are personal and I hold them close to my heart and will need to find some way of working through them on my own using the tools I have learned the last two weeks. A couple of my stressors I can talk about and will lay them out here today.
I have anxiety about injustice in the world. When I see or read about it, I want to do something tangible to stop it and prevent it from happening anymore. I have anxiety about inequality in the world. I want everyone to have access to quality healthcare, quality education, and justice under the law. I believe in equal pay, equal access, and equal mutual respect. I have enough common sense to understand that there are people who have physical or mental handicaps that MAY need accommodations and that is reasonable.

So, I know I cannot fix what is wrong with the world. In fact in my current state I cannot fix what is wrong in my own personal life. I do not know how to make a difference in the world around me and balance that with my obligations and responsibilities. I think this leads to a lot of anger that I am feeling currently both at myself and the world. I am trying to carry so much on my own shoulders that it is crushing me beneath the weight. 

The problem with the weight I am trying to carry is that it is not mine to carry. I know this, but I do not know how to put it down. My inability to put things down and let them go, combined with my scatterbrained mind that is a moving target I get so damned frustrated and turned upside down.

Chest tightening, unable to breathe, feeling everything crushing down. I had one last night while doing dishes, I was just gasping for breath trying to get a good deep breath so I could start deep breathing exercises took about 30 minutes to get where I could get it under control. 

Took my first Ambien again last night in probably two years or so and was just happy at the prospect of a good nights sleep. 2:30 in the damn morning anxiety attack! Up for over an hour trying to get it under control. 

I feel like I am screwed up tighter tha a telco bill. The anxiety just will not ease off. The anxiety oddly enough only fuels itself because I am supposed to be strong, have it together, if I am falling apart how can I take care of my family? Almost 2 weeks of this partial inpatient and my anxiety and stress level is still in the red to the point I just want to explode. 

A dream I have had since high school is nearing completion, my very own book in print! The cover is now complete and a few more edits remain before I have my first proof copies printed.

So here is the cover.

I had my wife Phoebe write the information on the back cover and here is what she had to say.

When the pen lays upon the journal that lays upon the desk
Charles England goes back to being a son, a husband,
the father of two; a mechanic, a painter, and a pet
trainer in his own menagerie. Charles fixes a network,
battles tech support, and leaps bundles of cable
in a single bound. And as he tucks everyone in and kisses
his family goodnight and remembers that there were
some pictures on the wall in the “great green room…”
-Phoebe England

In my partial inpatient hospitalization group therapy sessions, at the end of each day we have to set a goal for the night. My goal last night was to tint the back window of my Mini Cooper. Unfortunately I burned through too much of the tint doing one little side window and learning how to tint that I did not have enough left for the back window. So I altered my goal and used the piece I had left to do the other side window and went ahead and tinted the drivers window last night. They came out ok in that they look like an amatuer tinted his windows in his garage with cheap auto parts store tint.

Now up close you can see a silver line going all around the window from matrix dots that I now understand require a lot of prep work and specialty processes to go through. So, I would by no means be a happy customer if I payed someone and they delivered this caliber of work but I am not upset with myself because I am learning what amounts to an art form. So here is the completed window.
I also tinted the drivers side window since it is a lighter tint. This one has some actual defects in a couple of spots and a small tear at the very front bottom of the window.

Over all I feel a sense of accomplishment. I did not meet my specific goal, however I was able to adapt my goal to the situation on the ground at the time and move forward. Only 2 1/4 windows to go and the tint will be done for now. It will not be perfect, but functionality for the moment is more important. Also, no bubbles! So, for my first try at this not too shabby. And next time by quality tint, not the cheap stuff from the auto part store.

Welcome to week 2 of partial inpatient hospitalization. I am anxious and talkative, I don’t want to sit still or be quit. I have been out of bed since a quarter to 6 this morning and didn’t sleep well again. Kind of insane that the antidepressant I take for sleep was increased from 150mg to 200mg and now I am getting up earlier, just doesn’t make much sense to me.

Right now my mind is racing which is not that unusual in itself but feeling depressed, manic, and anxious grinding my teeth on the verge of anger almost constantly. 

Today is the anniversary of the death of my father-in-law Tom Chew. I feel guilty that I did not do enough for my wife during the time he was hospitalized. One of the many times in my life I wish I could just roll the clock back and make better choices. That seems to be my modus operandi in life, constantly looking backwards and over analyzing each major choice I have made. I am also constantly anticipating what is going to happen next. When I must make a decision, trying to go back over everything to make the right choices sometimes to the point of paralysis.

This week I managed to get my garage cleaned up enough to bring my Mini into the garage. Yesterday my daughter and I successfully pushed it in with a couple of very large tarps and our van. Unfortunately or fortunately I had to purchase two sets of car dollies so that I can maneuver it from side to side as I get it positioned to work on.

I am going to tint the windows first while it is on the dollies. I found out last night this will be difficult, especially the back glass on the hatchback because of all of the curves. Always watch the how to videos for each window before jumping in with both feet. I did not follow the proper H pattern and will have to start back over from scratch.

Here she is on the dollies, with the clear windows. That space on this side is all I have to work with, there is enough space on the other side for me to squeeze in and push back across.
I will be tinting the windows, replacing the timing chain, checking for any visual signs of engine damage, drain and screen the engine oil to check for plastic and metal pieces, and hopefully all will be good to go.

Next post should be in a few days with windows done and up on jack stands.

Well day 3 of adding Adderall to the cocktail at an entry level dose. I am sort of hyper focused, still filled with a profound sadness, the knot in my stomach has decreased a little, my teeth feel like they are ready to break in a few places from grinding and the tension, on the edge of panicking, jittery, agitated, and frequently feeling ready to explode at any moment.

So, I am manicly, panicly depressive, kind of Tri-Polar at the moment.
I just feel like physically working on something because I am too worked up to sit down and do things. I am only writing this blog post at the moment because I want to get this down and I am volunteering at a hospice center at the moment so limited as to what I can get up and do right now. I keep trying to do deep breathing and I cough each time I take a deep breath, thanks dust and pollen for your support during this trying time in my life. 

Tonight I am going to tint the windows on my Mini Cooper while it is on wheel dollys and easily moveable before getting it up on jack stands. Just so happy to have gotten the garage clean enough to move it in today. All goes well I will have the timing chain replaced this week, be able to crank it up, and see if I still have an engine. I really am concerned that there is more wrong and that the engine may be an expensive boat anchor. It is disheartening to know that I owe as much as it is worth if the engine is running and if the engine is shot, I might have to become a gigolo or bank robber to come up with 3-4 thousand for an engine. 

Did I mention I am stressed out all the time already. Well in case I didn’t, I am in a constant state of stress on the verge of a meltdown or explosion. Back to breathing, deep breath in through the nose slowly and hold for five, slowly out through the mouth. Now repeat for 5 minutes. 

One of our topics for today is stress and coping. We started out by taking a test to determine our stress level. Not only did I score in the “distress” zone, but in a range of 0-55 I am at a 7. So, my stress is almost completely off the charts and of the 7 Sources of stress I am hitting all of them.

Now, sort of a chicken or egg question is whether I am depressed because of my stress or stressed because I am depressed. Unfortunately, I am not sure because there are times when I am not feeling depressed and the stress is still there. This is day four and I am not sure if I feel and better or different. Certainly I feel a sense of relief, almost ecstatic to get things off my chest I bottle up inside. Yet as soon as I get something off my chest it is like I crash back down, similarly to how I feel when I leave church, the service can be incredible and during the moment my depression falls away and when it is over I descend back into the darkness of myself.

The day started out a bit rough. Well let’s go back a step, last night I went for the re-evaluation so I would not have to do that this morning. What an ordeal it has been. First let me just say I know how my insurance works and called ahead of time to confirm if this was covered. I knew going in that it required pre-approval. So, I planned accordingly and went for the evaluation on Tuesday evening since the person I spoke with on the phone told me to come in anytime.

Well as it turns out what someone should have told me is to come in on Friday before 5 PM and get evaluation and pre-certification done. I could have avoided the patronizing attitudes of people who seem to think patients do not have a clue how their insurance works. So went last night and after some back and forth, me getting agitated, evaluation was completed and I was told to be back at 7 AM.

So, 7:15 AM I arrive and the nightmare begins. I learn that nothing was done to verify insurance, that I should not have come in after hours and around 8:15 AM that the person who does do insurance verification comes in between 8 and 8:30. A little bit more patronization and general indifference from the intake staff and I was stressed out, angry and my anxiety was over the top. I had to leave before I went from partial inpatient to full blown inpatient. So, I headed home screaming and cussing most of the way. I had a meltdown when I got home, got calm, and called to complain. By the time I arrived back to the facility I was fairly calm and they had my insurance approval complete and an apology.

Because of the nature of the treatment itself, I will not go to far into specifics but instead just provide an overview. The program is a combination of group and individual therapies through out the day. The staff provide tools in a “tool kit” throughout the day which we talk about and discuss in therapy. It is a bit uncomfortable to talk about my problems but first day in the program went well.

There are some steps in life that once you take, there is no going back. I can say I am not ashamed to admit I am going in for 1-2 weeks of partial inpatient mental health hospitalization. What I have to come to terms with though is the fact that I am actually terrified. Tearing down the walls of my personal privacy is very difficult, I am at heart a very private person. Before I embarked on writing this blog I would refrain from discussing anything about myself unless it was absolutely necessary. Some of the reason I blog is to get out of my shell. I am not a conversationalist, it is hard enough to get words from my mind to the page, verbal expression is sometimes just a disaster for me so I write. I also write some of my blog posts because I have the underlying hope that by exposing my mental health issues, I can help other people. I think that Mark Twain the philosopher was correct in What is Man? when he wrote “That no man has ever sacrificed himself in the common meaning of that phrase–which is, self-sacrifice for another ALONE. Men make daily sacrifices for others, but it is for their own sake FIRST. The act must content their own spirit FIRST. The other beneficiaries come second.” Therefore despite the terror, I am feeling, because I believe my writing may help another, then my soul is content to lay bare my private life.

And yet still I feel terror. Terror of the unknown. Terror at the thought of getting down into the weeds of my life with other people, strangers, peeling back the layers of who I am. I have the same knot in my stomach as I do with heights. Imagine if you will, going to your regular doctor, going into a room with other patients, stripping naked and having everyone watch as the doctor slowly examines you. It is uncomfortable enough to go for a dermatology exam and get checked head-to-toe for any signs of skin cancer. This will be more intimate, last for 5-10 days, and I know I will only get out of this what I put into it. But damn when your treatment seems like it may be worse than your illness. Depression, anxiety, and introversion what a mix.

I will get through this, I have to for my family, they are my motivation.

If you have never read Mark Twain’s What is Man? I encourage you to spend a little time http://www.informationphilosopher.com/solutions/philosophers/twain