Month: October 2015

My moods swing all over the place, my mind is even worse; an oftentimes confusing jumble of thoughts constantly flowing. Who I am as a person can change as well based on the intricacies of my mental and emotional states. That is one of the reasons social interaction is so hard for me; having to maintain a discipline with my personality is difficult when it is a moving target.

So what does all of this have to do with faith? Well I am struggling with the fact that I never seem to know who I am on any given day; especially as I am coming out of a state of depression and my mind is starting to race with a hundred different possibilities. I am overwhelmed. I want to do this and that, also something else. hey I need to start exercising because I need to get healthy. The yard needs some work. I need to finish that project. I need to clean the garage. I need to go out and help my Mom with this or that. I have thank you cards I need to get done. And these are just the last few minutes, on a blog post I have been writing for three days.

So how do I learn to have faith in this chaos? I hear so many people talk about their faith and how it is always there, even when they stumble or when things go bad in their lives they never lose their faith. I seem to be struggling every day just to have a little faith.

From The Unfettered Mind by Takuan Sóhó, translated by William Scott Wilson

“One may explain water, but the mouth will not become wet. One may expound fully on the nature of fire, but the mouth will not become hot.
Without touching real water and real fire, one will not know these things. Even explaining a book will not make it understood. Food may be concisely defined, but that alone will not relieve one’s hunger. One is not likely to achieve understanding from the explanation of another.”

This was as true in the early 1600s as it is today and will be tomorrow. There is a necessity though to share experiences and partake of the sharing so that we can learn from each other and to grow as individuals. This is why I choose to share about my depression, to talk candidly about my mental health issues so that those who have the same problems know they are not alone. If in the telling, it helps others without mental health problems to gain some insight into what others might be experiencing and learn more about mental health then that is certainly not a bad thing.

There was a time when I closed my eyes and I could see incredible worlds exploding with colors, vibrant and full of life. I am not sure how many years ago, must have been eleven or twelve; I would close my eyes and the only image i would see was an old oak tree. It was like an old black and white image, that slowly began to dull and fade. then it was gone and there is only darkness, a black inkiness that stretches on forever with out end.There are times when I long not for the colorful worlds, but just for another glimpse of that tree off in the distance. I want to remember how it looked. I keep telling myself that if I could see it again, then whatever it is that died in my mind was coming back to life. That maybe my memories, the few that I can seem to hold onto, will become more than just words going through my mind like pages out of a book, or sounds from a radio and there will be actual images with them. Something, anything to break through the darkness behind my eyes.

It is hard to get back on my feet after fighting through the depths of depression for weeks, especially as it still lingers like a nagging in the back of my mind. The worst part is how the mind builds on the emotional state, in my case constantly rehashing the things in life that didn’t go right or that I regret. Of course the older I get the list just seems to grow. But I am getting through it one day at a time.

My post yesterday generated an out pouring of support, support that I really needed right now and that I am grateful to have received. I am 41 years old and I have been struggling with these major depression episodes since I was a teenager, they come on suddenly and may last weeks or months. I have been blessed to have a wonderful wife who understands and supports me through the ups and downs and two wonderful children. My love for my family and my own internal sense of duty and honor has been the source of my perseverance through the years, giving me the strength to push through my episodes of depression as well as my physical health issues in order to support them and providing for their needs. Many years ago I swallowed my pride and sought treatment and it has made a world of difference not just in the quality of my life, but in the life of my family. My wife Phoebe knows when I miss my medicine and will ask me when she notices my mood swings going askew.Now the medicine is not 100%, I still go through these cycles but I am better able to handle them when they do occur. The fact that I was able to articulate in yesterdays post how I am feeling right now, to give voice to the raging conflict inside me is a great leap. Writing this post as well is a long drawn out process, I am still going through this tug of war inside, trying not to let my mind react to these physical manifestations of emotions but I am pushing forward. Additionally there is the added stress of pulling back the curtain on my life, I am a very private person but I feel that it is important to talk about my struggles. Just as the words of encouragement I received since my blog post have helped me, I know that there are others who suffer in silence who could use encouragement as well. That is one of the reasons it is so important that we get rid of the stigmas that surround mental health problems.
There are many different types of depression; situational, seasonal, cyclic, physical damage to the brain, etc. What they all have in common though, is that those who suffer are fathers, mother, sons, daughters, friends, loved ones. When those who are suffering do so in silence; fearing what others will think, they withdraw or lash out which causes a ripple effect. If we as a society accept that mental illness is just like any other health condition we could be better equipped to get ourselves or a loved one to the doctor when we notice that something is wrong. With something like cyclic depression there are times when that trip to the doctor should be akin to taking someone with a heart attack to the emergency room other times just to a doctors office.
That is why I am taking this stand, why I am putting myself out for the world to see. I am not ashamed of the depression, anxiety or mood swings; it is just a part of who I am. I know that I am not alone, there are many who can read what I have written and understand what I am going through and I want them to know they are not alone either.

Even in the midst of deepening depression, I keep telling myself that this too will pass. It is difficult though, I feel like a stranger in my own body right now.Physically I feel a deep sense of loss, emptiness, loneliness… that’s the only way I know of to describe the way I am feeling. This ache in my chest reminds me of that feeling after a relationship ends or the loss of a loved one. I feel on the verge of tears at times.Emotionally I am all over the place; happy, sad, angry, frustrated, indifferent. Nothing for very long, though the indifference seems to be winning out.
Mentally I am trying to keep myself on task, get through the day at work, not to let my mind be pulled into the darkness.
It is exhausting, feeling this way. Everyday when I leave work, I get in my car and it just hits me, I just want to lay down and not move. Right now I feel like my medicine is failing me; I am miserable and I wonder how much more can I endure. Even thinking about all of this, I feel drawn into that pain my body feels.

Sometimes I think this is more than just major depression, but I lack the ability to communicate that effectively to my doctor. It doesn’t help that this may pass in a few days and then I move on again.