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Trial

The past two weeks have been a long trial. To watch one of my puppies slowly die from getting into something poisonous and having to make the decision when he was nearing the end to quicken the process was heartbreaking. This is the third time I have had to make the decision to euthanize one of my dogs and it is a difficult and painful decision to make that never gets any less painful. I have had nightmares several nights that I made the wrong decision, but deep in my heart I know that he was too far gone the vet agreed that it was impossible for him to recover after he took a turn for the worse.

More grief and pain to bottle up inside and suppress because I fear letting go, I fear that if I let my emotions get out of control that there will be no coming back. Some days I feel like I am on the verge of a mental break down, kept at bay through will power and medication. It does not stop the anxiety attacks that take me closer and closer to that edge. But I am still standing, still slogging along the path. I know I can not give up, my family is depending on me and I can not let them down.

So, I live through my trials and I try to learn from them every day. It is not always easy, no one ever said it would be. I go forth through the darkening night, knowing that it can’t rain all the time, and joy will come in the morning.

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