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Month: October 2014

Unused tools rust and become dull

When I was in my teens and early 20’s I wrote all of the time. Short stories, prose, even some poetry. Words seemed to flow easily; at times it was almost as if my mind was on fire.
So long ago, in another lifetime…
Before a career. Before stress on top of stress. Before I lost my way somewhere.
At some point I stopped writing, didn’t make the time, couldn’t find the words. I retreated into my own mind, trapped my thoughts in an abandoned corner and let them gather dust.
Now I want to write again and my mind is dull, the words come slowly. I write them down, scratch them out and try again. Mostly though I I just stare at the wall and think.

Acceptance can be impossible.

Twenty-one years since I was injured in basic training. Twenty-two years since I was medically discharged from the Army due to the injury. My body failed me, the doctor that ignored me about my ankle failed me; that a simple surgery seventeen years later could fix the ankle. That my dream escaped me and I have never managed to let go and accept the fact is my own shortcoming.
So year in and year out I find myself trapped in the same rut; dreaming about woulda, coulda, shoulda. Wanting desperately to find a way back into the Army, to prove to myself that I am not weak, not a failure; to achieve my dream. This of course ignores the reality that my body is still broken, that I have other health issues that have developed over the years from other injuries.
What does it take to get past this type of life changing event? How do I accept something I don’t want to accept and try to move on with my life? These are the thoughts that trap me and keep me¬†imprisoned.
I know and understand that I am not unique in my struggles. Nor do I write this to complain about my life. This is about gaining understanding of my own struggles and working towards a solution. I want to reach the point where I live my life with no regrets.
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